There are so many things I wish I could say to people, but I know I never will.

So, much like a Hallmark card, pick one of these statements, and think I'm actually saying it to you.

- I think you're missing an opportunity that you might regret.
- Your boyfriend weirds me out.
- I wish you wouldn't drink so much.
- Don't lose what you have right now. This is the best thing to ever happen to you.
- I think your weight is unhealthy.
- I wish we still talked. I miss those late nights.
- You complain too much.
- Stop running away. What you're leaving is worth the butterflies.
- Make music with me.
- I miss you more than you know.
- I apologize for never being around. I will come visit someday.
- If you're unhappy, why are you not making changes?
- Those weekends were fun. Thank you.
- Thank you for always letting me crash at your house. That's always the best part.
- I know we hadn't talked since voting, but your death really, really shook me up. I hope you're okay, and I wish I was able to talk to you again.
- You should have given me a chance.
- You need medication.
- Stop trying to fit in. You look stupid.
- I treasure the time we spent together, but I don't think I could ever do it again.
- You have too much talent to be so unmotivated.
- I wish you hadn't fallen apart.
- I'm gonna be somebody someday. Just believe in me.



Take your pick.

xxx.

The video has nothing to do with the song, but I love the song a lot. I need to be in a band again. I have too much to say, and not enough talent on my own to express it.



xxx.

Like I said in my previous post, at least I can say that I gave it my best shot.

Sometimes, I get too ahead of myself. When I really want something, I submerge myself in it fully. I forgot who I was dealing with this time around.

Here's to the future, here's to the past.

Let's see where I can go from here.


xxx.

All it takes for me is one song to spark a memory in my brain. All it takes is one song, one scent, one glance at scenery. All it takes is one seemingly trivial thing to start a snowball effect, leaving me feeling overwhelmed and compelled to write at the end.

All it took was listening to "Graduation Day" by Head Automatica at work the other evening.

I got to thinking about where I was when I first got into that song (I remember standing at the car wash, telling Nate how the album had leaked online, and how excited I was), and how it came out the summer before my big senior year of high school.

From there, I went to think of senior class songs, and how typically cliche they always are. Being the South, the popular one is, of course, "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Then, of course, there's "Here's To The Night" by Eve 6, that one Vitamin C song, and others. Same shit, different year.

The Bartram Trail class of 2007 broke that mold. We had "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.

At the time, I remember thinking how obviously stupid this was. I probably thought I was too cool for that, or that it should have been some hip, underground song that nobody had heard that should have been chosen. But, looking back, I think it described us as a whole: unique. Every single person I knew had a unique personality, whether I liked it or not. We were arrogant pricks. We were too smart for our own good. We were young. We were dumb. We were (not) ready for whatever the world had to throw at us.

Then, I thought about how I've had two years to reflect on that single year of my life. I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but a lot can happen in two years, and, in fact, it has. The Jake from two years ago is no longer the Jake sitting in front of this very laptop.

I've made a lot of mistakes in the past two years. I've lost people I shouldn't, and I've hurt people I never meant to. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces from an important relationship I've lost, and I regret the past every single day. You know who you are.

I've lost a majority of the friends I had, and it is my fault. I decided to travel every weekend and miss a lot back home. I spent so much time chasing my dream that I was too blind to see what I was leaving in the dust.

I've met a lot of great people in the past two years in wrestling, and have made a group of close friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. I've worked all over Florida, been published in magazines and on DVD covers, as well as websites. I've made hundreds of memories, and hope for many more.

But, I miss my old life. Somewhere along the line, I forgot how young I was. I decided to forget that I was 18 when I started in wrestling, and I've always acted older than I really was. I'm not even old enough to buy alcohol.

For as much as I love wrestling, and I love my friends involved in it, not working a show until August 22nd is a godsend for me. I'm trying to reconnect with people here, as well as trying my ass off to rekindle something that I want. If it doesn't happen, then at least it can end knowing that I gave it my best shot.

I know this got jumbled along the way, but this is how my mind works. What started with a song ended with me sharing my regrets with life.

No wonder why I think I'm losing my mind.



xxx.

"You keep the ring, I'll keep the Saturdays in bed."


This song just keeps popping up sporadically over the last two years.


This is my 100th post, and nothing has changed.

I keep falling asleep on my side, and waking up on yours.
It's hard to sleep so soundly when you know that you're alone.
Dreaming just can't cut it when faced with reality,
Your pillow still has your scent, and now it's all that I can breathe.

I have so much I want to say but not enough brain capacity to get it all out in an orderly fashion. I feel like a kinked hose, just waiting to let loose.

But, the fact is, I'm probably never going to say anything in here that is going to get me in trouble with anyone else. Besides, I'm too old for teen angst anyway, right?

When hoses are blocked for too long, do they pop?



xxx.

Whenever I think of Michael Jackson, I think of:

- Daron Smythe going through ringtones in my car on the way to a Fusion show, and popping when he found "Dirty Diana"
- Jon telling me a story about how his football team in high school would sing, "You Are Not Alone"
- Watching Pop Up Video with Emily and loving the song "Black Or White"
- Being freaked out by the "Thriller" video
- Putting on my Michael Jackson Greatest Hits CD at Urban Outfitters for all my coworkers to enjoy
- The Halloween party deal they'd have at Jupiter Farms Elementary every year, Panther Prowl, because the gymnastic team would do a routine to "Thriller"
- Singing to "Billie Jean" super loudly in my car. I still do that.

It's definitely a sad day, not only with the death of the "King of Pop," but also the death of Farrah Fawcett. I didn't have any sort of attachment to Farrah, though, so I can't really speak of her. Horrible situation, though.

RIP.

There's a Bible in the drawer next to my bed,
And a heavy heart underneath the sheets.

Atlanta's bright lights are passing me by,
Steady going 80 on I-75.
It's not so easy trying to run from our past,
But it's all I can really do.
I want to talk to you.

This is for holes punched in walls due to passion,
Or for being given up on like last Fall's fashion.

We are the trees that don't change colors.
We are the sidewalks with initials forever carved.
We are the words at the tip of your tongue.
We are the future.
(and this world is fucked.)


PS. You've ruined all of my favorite songs.

"I was going to kiss you, but the cigarette smoke on your breath is really hindering that."

Your heart isn't speaking loud enough these days.

I could overanalyze every single word we say until it is crushed into nothing. But, all that would do is leave us speechless.

Pretty eyes, pirate smile, you dated a music man.

Yet, all you knew how to do was sing siren songs.



xxx.

The prettiest I had ever seen her is when she was standing in the rain. There was no rhyme or reason for why she was out there, and I'm not even sure if she knew that it was raining. She always felt like the outdoors was the only place she really felt alive. As a child, she would climb trees five times her size, but was always too afraid to climb down. I guess this was foreshadowing her relationships in later years.

I didn't know what to say to her that night, and I still don't know what to say about it. She had raccoon eyes that were dead-set on me. She knew just how to make me freeze up, like I didn't have a thought in my head or a tongue in my mouth.

"...you okay?"

That's all I could muster up. I got nothing. She could tell. She preyed on this sort of thing. She knew that she was able to leave me speechless, and she knew how to milk that for everything it was worth (which was more than I knew at the time). I was a better listener, anyway.

So, there she was, in her front yard; her eyes looking at me, then glancing at the stars, then back to me, then to the ground. This pattern kept repeating for what felt like hours, but was barely even minutes. Time has a funny way of stopping when you're young and du(in love)mb. I had to do something so the hands on the clock would start spinning again.

I reached out for her soaking wet hand, but she pulled away. She was just like her mother, no matter how hard she tried not to be. From one person to the next, thinking the burning bridges in her rearview mirror wouldn't make that big of a mess. But, the difference between them is that her mom never returned to the scene of the crime.

We did this every couple of months. She would come back, and then she would leave just as fast. I'm not sure if it was the summer air that kept me hanging on, or if it was just so I could have a story to tell anyone who would dare listen. I could talk about it all for hours, but I couldn't talk to her for a second. That's the shy, awkward teenager in me.

But it all goes back to that rainy night. If rain is typically symbolic for a rebirth of sorts, when do I get to feel new again?






xxx.

Please, stop me.

"There's nothing really left to say. My soul is stuck on the interstate. When I finally get around to coming home, I have long forgotten the area code."
- Fake Problems
"Heart BPM"


For a while, I felt like that. When Florida was running a different show every weekend, I completely disconnected myself from everyone at home. I lost a lot of friends (while gained many close ones), and just didn't feel like my life was at home anymore. I missed everyone.

Things have calmed down, and I'm around more. That's a plus. I miss my friends that I only really get to see at wrestling events, but I will see them eventually. That's just how it goes.

Filling up notebooks again with writings. I love that. I haven't done it in years.

I don't really have anything to say that I want to talk about in here. Talk to me in person if you want to. I don't bite.



xxx.

"Nothing on the radio but songs that remind me of you.
But someday, lady, you'll accomp'ny me.
The queen of my highway heart.
My blacktop baby.
My streetlight star.
My dashboard dreamer.
And you don't even know."




xxx.

I'm trying to get Buster Poindexter height with my hair.

Today I told someone that music was my only girlfriend right now, and it's [sadly] true. We've had an on-again-off-again relationship for the past two years, but I think we worked out the kinks and here we go again.

I always mean to update this but I never end up doing it. I'm sorry.

Had a great time at the Fusion One Year Anniversary bash, and it made me step back and look at the past year for me. I've made truly great friends and lost many as well. I've traveled up and down the Sunshine State for the majority of the weekends, and have seen and experienced many things. I've had disappointments and accomplishments, and a whole lot of times that have been chalked up to life experiences. I just can't believe how some of the events that took place a year ago are still so fresh in my mind, like I lived it last week. Yet, some things that took place a month or two ago have completely escaped my memory. My mind is crazy.

This is a dumb entry. I will post something good some other time.



xxx.

When I saw KRS-One in concert, he told a speech. To paraphrase, he basically said the hackneyed phrase, "Your present affects your future." I have heard it so many times in my life, I almost shrugged it off as nothing of importance.

But, the way he said it, he sounded like he meant it. He sounded like someone that knew what he was saying could go in one ear and out the other, so he stepped up the power and emotion in his voice. He sounded like someone that had been there and made unfavorable decisions, and was paying for it now. He wasn't just some person trying to boost their ego by thinking, "Gee, someday, _________ will look back and say that I gave them the best piece of advice they had ever received."

He sounded REAL.

I really took what he said to heart, but more so in the last month. I'm a difficult person to deal with: I'm stubborn, occasionally unmotivated, and, for lack of better terms, a downer. But I'm trying.

Who I am now will affect who I am next week. Or next month. Or next year. Or when I'm 30. Or 40. Or 50. Etc.

I don't want to look back and be bummed out by how I acted or approached certain subjects or people. I'm young enough to change my ways, and old enough to realize it.

To those that I have hurt or wronged in the past, I owe you my most sincere apology from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for sticking around (I'm luckier than I ever knew).

I know it is hard to change overnight, but this is me showing effort. This summer is my time to right (or write) my wrongs.

Stick around.



xxx.

A modern day Superman am I, with a pen and some paper to fight. Words are my kryptonite, despite their ubiquity. But in my Clark Kent get up, you could never tell. It isn't a multiple personality if my Mr. Kent doesn't have personality to begin with. I can't save the world either, so don't even ask. The world can't be saved if it isn't willing to save itself. I don't have any special powers to speak of, but I'm not bad at blending in. Or lending out (cash, hearts, pain, you name it).

This Lois Lane lady needs to lend me some time. Maybe she doesn't want this Superman. Maybe she wants the vanilla Clark Kent. But how can one drop the act when the act is more impressive than the one you're hiding? Some wear masks to cover scars. Some drive big cars to hide their shortcomings. I wear these tights and cape to hide myself as a whole.

Look up to me, kids. I'm that superhero that you wish you could be...

but everyone has a breaking point.



xxx.