Monday, September 21, 2009

I have never been able to remember my dreams.

Ever since I was really young, I have told people that I just don't dream. Of course, that's a complete lie, but it sounded cooler than telling people that I can never remember them. I can remember a handful of dreams over the past two decades, one involving Hulk Hogan on a motorcycle coming to my house when I was three or four. Nothing I say makes sense.

Over the weekend, I had a dream that I remember still, which may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me.

In this dream, I died. I don't know how I died, and I don't know why I died. All I know is that I died, and I was reincarnated into myself at age 12. I don't understand it at all, but dreams that are understandable aren't fun to look back on.

I remember talking to everyone that I was around in my dream, and telling them how I had passed away, but it was really me inside this body. I was scrambling to get to a pen and piece of paper to write down everything that I could remember from my past, because I didn't want to lose it. I wanted to hang onto every last thing from my past life that I could before my new life kicked in and gave me a clean slate.

The two things I remember writing down: The Gaslight Anthem's "Great Expectations" and the name of the love of my life. I think her name was Amanda. I hate to disappoint any Amandas, but I don't think I've ever fallen in love with any of you. Maybe it's foreshadowing. See you in the future, Amanda.

I just remember being so afraid that I would forget everything from my past in this new life I was given, as if the future wouldn't ever compare. I think that's how I have been feeling for the past few years, which is why I kept trying to hang onto every old friend I had. It's silly to pretend like the people I've met over the past year or two can't compare to friends of the past. I'm just a sucker for nostalgia.




xxx.

3 comments:

Chase said...

I have the same "never remember my dreams" issue. Well, never say never--I rarely remember them. I'm jealous of those who see vivid, cinema-quality moving pictures in the night.

Thinking about what's ahead in the future is terrifying. I think we try to hold onto our old friends because they make us feel safe. Moving forward and onward is a part of life, yeah, but holding onto the important things of the past is fine. Good, even. No one wants to travel a life's journey alone.

Jake. said...

It seems like everyone else in my family can have those dreams, and somehow, that gene got lost. I'm always so jealous of those that can keep a dream journal or whatever.

I like your outlook on moving ahead, and keeping old friends. My problem was that I was keeping old friends, and not letting new ones take anybody's place, as though I had filled everything up.

I've come to terms with the past being the past. Those that are still in my life from over the years are those that really matter.

Jessica said...

Hey jake...you should read "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Dr. Brian Weiss, you mom might actually have a copy, because I got a copy from my mom...and well, you know how they are. Anyway, it is extremely interesting and relating to this dream I think you may find some insight and significance.