Sunday, December 27, 2009

"Two years ago, did you think you'd be standing with me on a New York City street?"
- Jon Davis.

That one quote more or less sums up 2009. This year more than any other, I've done more than I ever thought I would. From the trip to New York City and working in the Manhattan Center to being contacted by SPIN to take pictures (even though it never panned out) to the multiple trips to Orlando to see bands I never thought I'd see, 2009 was relatively good to me.

Losing 40 pounds. Disney. The Georgia road trip with Chris and Craig. My Maryland homecoming. Harvest of Hope. Get Up Kids. Hanson. Saves the Day. Tattoos. My mom's first wrestling match. Pro Wrestling Fusion. My Bank of America family. Halloween in Tallahassee. Having a story to tell. Finding someone to snap with. Meeting people I have idolized. Going back to Jupiter Farms. Keeping my positivity and learning to like myself.

I'm just worried that this year is me jumping the shark. I have a lot of things I am hopeful for in the next year, but I don't want to get them too high.

I'd like to post a reflection from 2000-2009, but it scares me knowing that ten years from now, I will be 30. So I think I'm gonna wait that one out a bit.

Just for fun, my top records of 2009:

10. Say Anything: "Say Anything"
9. Frank Turner: "Poetry of the Deed"
8. Tegan & Sara: "Sainthood"
7. John Mayer: "Battle Studies"
6. New Found Glory: "Not Without A Fight"
5. Fake Problems: "It's Great To Be Alive"
4. Manchester Orchestra: "Mean Everything To Nothing"
3. With the Punches: "Keep It Going"
2. Cage: "Depart From Me"
1. fun.: "Aim & Ignite"


Sunday, November 15, 2009

You. It always comes back to you. The one that got away. That's you.

Her. It should have been her. I learned how to deal with her through you. I need another her.

Him. I bet there have been plenty of him. I don't want to know. I can't blame him (but I do).

Me. I used to be me. You may have changed me. I want me back.

She. She is the one that all the songs on the radio are about. She doesn't deserve it.

He. He comes and goes. He doesn't remember you past last night. He doesn't stick around.

They. They don't know. They wouldn't get it if they did. They wouldn't care either way.

It. It is gonna slip your memory. It wasn't a major part of your life. It was what it was.

I. I am still here, goddamnit. I can't forget the memories. I can't get away no matter how hard I try.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

I still get a weird feeling whenever I see your name. I'll get over it at some point; I always do. There's just something about those letters put together that makes me feel h(s)appy. I hope that anyone feels that way about me.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

"I think you're making a dumb decision."

I've never been known for my tact, nor have I ever been told that I have intelligent diction. At this point, what did I care? I had nothing to lose. We both knew it.

I put my heart on the table that night. At the time, that wasn't even a metaphor to me.

It's sweaty palms.

It's nerves making your leg shake.

It's telling lies to make the situation easier.

It's those butterflies in your stomach regressing back to their cocoon. 

Those butterflies have wings for a reason: they can fly from danger. If they don't feel right where they are, nothing is stopping them from going airborne and finding some place new. They do it with such style and panache that it's hard to hold a grudge.

 I swear the females of my past were caterpillars when they were young.

The air was getting warm again, which meant another Sunshine State summer filled with high hopes of a Don Henley song coming to life. How naive are we to think that that could even happen in this small town?   

The air was getting too warm to sit outside of a coffee shop, that's for sure. But we had to get this over with. Move on. Stop trying to relive the past.

We spend our young lives wishing we were old enough to drive a car, or go to college, or buy alcohol, or just be called an "adult." Once we hit that stage, we spend our lives wishing we could go back. It's a sick fucking cycle, but I'm not willing to break it.

She looked pretty. Too pretty. Pretty to the point that as soon as I saw her, I knew I'd hating her by the end of the night. I was half right: the night wasn't over.

Her hair was darker than I remembered, and she seemed happy. She seemed happy. HAPPY. Something I was convinced I couldn't be without her. Once again, the naivety comes into play.

That night (and repeatedly over the next five months), I realized that you must stop living your past to be able to build your future. This world isn't going to wait on you, kid. It's how you adapt to this spinning sphere that we inhabit that shows who you are.

So, I ask you: who are you?


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Everybody has a story to tell. Everybody has something to say. Everybody has certain quirks about them. Everybody has a secret. Everybody has doubt. Everybody has anxiety. Everybody has everything better than you. Everybody has a friend (whether they believe it or not). Everybody has experienced everything before you.

Everybody is put here for a purpose. Whether it be to save the world or save the one person in your life that you didn't even know you saved.

Finding out your purpose is what makes life worth living. Make your mistakes, chalk them up to experience. Rome wasn't built in a day, and you can't expect your life to make sense in that time either.

You don't need someone else in this world to make you happy. You need to keep your heart if you want to remain happy, because as soon as someone else gets a hold of it, the trouble begins (or at least that's my experience with it). You have to be happy alone before you can be happy with others.

This is the dawn I've been waiting for. This is the beginning of doing things for myself for the sake of making myself happy; not others. I've been the same kid for too long. I'm sick of who I was.

I'm sporadic with posts because, quite frankly, this is all censored. I don't want to rub someone the wrong way, and then get in trouble for it later.

This is the point where I stop caring. Let's see how the next couple of months play out.


Monday, October 05, 2009

Welcome To The New Romance
by Christopher Gutierrez

"your ideas of beauty and romance are just plain boring and outdated.

the flowers: expensive, dead and chiche'. ooh roses, you think that one up yourself? and your forced dates make more for awkwardness and ego-stroking than anything else.
and when that boy you're in love with doesnt pay as much attention to you as he did in the beginning, yep it means he doesnt love you as much as you love him. and chances are you wont live happily ever after. cause most of us dont. dont believe me? ask around.
that whole saving yourself for marriage bit? makes about as much sense as not test driving a car before you buy it. wise up.
and if you're still falling for the same 'i screech my tires, hey look what i can do/buy' dickhead, well then missy you deserve all the garbage he throws at you. like spending five hundred bucks on a car and getting pissed when it craps out on you. cause people are only as shitty as you let them be.
your ideas of romance are as worn out and warped as that old ass vhs porno you've been holding onto since 7th grade.
everyones done what you think you're the first to feel.
your prom, fuck it. its not magical. its $100 tux fees, $500 limos and throwing up in buckets at 2am.
losing your virginity that night? way to wipe out any lick of spontaneity or romance from whats supposed to be the ultimate expression of love.
wearing your hair up? yeah, only girls find this attractive. same goes for your sick fake nails, no ones buying the 2 inch thick french manicure you paid far too much for, and good luck getting those things off. ill be damned if ive EVER heard a guy say, "damn dude, you see her nails? thats sooo hott."
and long walks on the beach means sand in everything from your shoes to your car. fuck sand.

but ill tell you this, fuck if theres not more sincerity on a stage, along streetlights and parking meters or in a dennys parking lot.
staying up till its way too goddamn light outside, making out somewhere your parents dont want you to be.
this is the new romance.
its first times on parents beds.
its tripping her from behind.
its stealing cars for sneak kisses.
its 6 hour phone calls.
its text messages.
its telling your friends you love them.
its reading someone to sleep.
its video game tournaments with people you love the most.
its getting her into the show for free.
its stolen tulips from gardens.
its being able to remember what you did last night.
its having fun with sex.
its clandestine and secret.
its in late night bike rides.
its the smell of sex on your fingers.
its the split second your eyes meet hers when you're going down on her.
its keeping your word.
its breaking it off when its time.
its spooning on the couch.
its the energy in the air the 5 minutes before they ring that doorbell.

the real romance is the 10 people who truly matter in this world.
the real romance is not giving a shit what the other 5,999,999,990 think.
the real romance is the beauty of the fuck you."

Now, who's gonna help me find said romance?


Friday, October 02, 2009

I either think too much or not at all. There's no "happy medium" with me.


Monday, September 21, 2009

I have never been able to remember my dreams.

Ever since I was really young, I have told people that I just don't dream. Of course, that's a complete lie, but it sounded cooler than telling people that I can never remember them. I can remember a handful of dreams over the past two decades, one involving Hulk Hogan on a motorcycle coming to my house when I was three or four. Nothing I say makes sense.

Over the weekend, I had a dream that I remember still, which may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me.

In this dream, I died. I don't know how I died, and I don't know why I died. All I know is that I died, and I was reincarnated into myself at age 12. I don't understand it at all, but dreams that are understandable aren't fun to look back on.

I remember talking to everyone that I was around in my dream, and telling them how I had passed away, but it was really me inside this body. I was scrambling to get to a pen and piece of paper to write down everything that I could remember from my past, because I didn't want to lose it. I wanted to hang onto every last thing from my past life that I could before my new life kicked in and gave me a clean slate.

The two things I remember writing down: The Gaslight Anthem's "Great Expectations" and the name of the love of my life. I think her name was Amanda. I hate to disappoint any Amandas, but I don't think I've ever fallen in love with any of you. Maybe it's foreshadowing. See you in the future, Amanda.

I just remember being so afraid that I would forget everything from my past in this new life I was given, as if the future wouldn't ever compare. I think that's how I have been feeling for the past few years, which is why I kept trying to hang onto every old friend I had. It's silly to pretend like the people I've met over the past year or two can't compare to friends of the past. I'm just a sucker for nostalgia.


Friday, September 18, 2009

"...But you were pretty cool. And I daresay you still are. But you were such a cliche, in an adorable 'I'm to cool for you highschool lame-o's' kind of way. 'Who the fuck wants to be happy anyway?' Boy, you used those lyrics nearly to death. But in the best possible way."

"One thing has never changed-there's your heart, right there on your sleeve. Why, I can see it all the way here in Maryland...So you were a bit pompous, maybe looked down your nose at one too many people. You most likely excluded some people that you could consider friends, but chances are, a lot of them weren't all that anyway."

These were taken from a conversation earlier today with an old friend that knew me better than I thought they did. It almost rendered me speechless. I hope they don't mind that I posted this. I did it because it means something to me.

I have a tendency to call people out on everything they do wrong. It's part of my (c)harm. I don't mean to do it necessarily, but it just happens. The problem here, besides hurting other people's feelings, is that I cannot take it in return.

Every receipt I had coming to me for things I have said to people really effects me more than it should. I take everything that people say to heart, even if I lead on like it doesn't bother me. I don't know why I do it, I just have a tendency to genuinely care more than I should.

Should I change, or should the world?


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I just want to find something that fits.

Fits into my schedule. Fits into my brain. Fits into my heart. Fits into my lifestyle.

Something that means as much to me as the other person involved.

Something that won't leave me so paranoid that it will go away.

I don't know what's good for me anymore. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want. I don't know if that's all a bad thing.

Are you gonna stick around?


Sunday, September 13, 2009

I'm a big fan of Jeff Rosenstock.


Wednesday, September 02, 2009

I'm reading through an old writing journal of mine from 2005/2006, and I've come to the conclusion that either: A) I was so much cooler back then; or B) I was a pretentious prick.

Reading this stuff, I realize that a lot of it really isn't that bad. It's not revolutionary, but it's not bad. You can tell that I was listening to a lot of Fall Out Boy at the time, because I was trying to make puns and plays on words. I tried so hard to be different, but all it made me was the same as everyone else.

"And though you may not know it, I'm the reason why you dream. While you lie in bed and think of me, know nothing's as it seems."

That just screams arrogance. I love it. I wish I still had that and believed it.

"This hand writes all the shit I just can't pretend."

I wrote love poems, too. That's something I don't think I have done since then. I told a friend of mine the other day that I am better at writing feigned sadness because I grew up on country music. That was a realization I made as I was talking to her.

I was young. I was in love. I was as reckless as a scared, straight edge boy could be. I was wide-eyed. I was bushy-tailed. I was intelligent. I was egotistical. I was trying to be a carbon copy of Pete Wentz, with a little bit of Max Bemis, and a whole lot of Hey Chris. I was what I wanted to be, but didn't realize it until years later.

I need to find whatever it was that was making me write how I used to. Whether it's listening to Fall Out Boy and Say Anything nonstop, or watching hours of The OC, I am in dire need of my muse.


Sunday, August 30, 2009

This is what professional wrestling needs again.


Monday, August 24, 2009

"Time Bomb"

It has been said that you must hit rock bottom before you are able to bounce back. I have officially found out how far down rock bottom is:

It's right below finding out that everything you thought you knew about someone has been a lie.

Imagine sharing five years with a significant other. Imagine sharing thoughts with this person. Imagine sharing dreams with this person. Imagine sharing secrets. Goals. Your heart. Imagine sharing your most important (or so I once believed) years with this fucking person, just to have everything change in a day.

Was it worth it?

Ultimately, I never knew I signed up for this. I didn't realize you were on a timer, set to explode with the truth someday. I was happy being so ignorant, and ignoring all the signs that were thrown at me.

All the signs that I wish I could call you out on now, so I wouldn't be where I am (fighting sleep and thoughts while driving around some city I couldn't care less about.)

Yes, I know we all have our problems. Of course. Do they realize how serious yours were? Or that you only tell people about them when you were lacking attention? No matter how hard you try, you're not an 18 year old "tortured artist."

My problem, you ask? My problem was you.

Was it worth it?

So you said it "relieved tension." I say that you can't go even a minute without being the spotlight.

Who is this new guy, anyway? Does he know about me? Did you tell him anything about your past, besides these scars that you once kept clandestine?

This is the bouncing back I need. This is my renewal. You can have your new friends. You can have their drug addiction, as well as all of your baggage back. I'm throwing all the memories, all the feelings I had for you away.

What you and I once referred to as "making love" will now just be my greeting card to any attractive female I meet along the way. I don't care what that makes me, or what that makes them for that matter. Whatever it takes to get you out of my head is what has to be done.

It's like you were just in time to wreck my life. I've never been much of an architect past LEGOs, but you knocked this all down faster than the castles I made when I was eight. It's time to build a better foundation. Huff and puff all you want, this house will no longer be blown down. Not just by you, but by anyone.

Was it worth what you did to your wrists?


Friday, August 14, 2009

Type. Select. Erase.
Type. Select. Erase.
Type. Select. Erase.
Type. Select. Erase.

This is my current trend in writing these blogs:

Type. Select. Erase.

Sometimes, I wish everything in life was able to be deleted this easily.

Type. Select. Erase.

It's not so much writer's block as it is a kinked hose. Too much is going on in my head.

Type. Select. Erase.

I'm gonna get all of this right someday.

Type. Select. Erase.

You can't believe how much I erased from this. I can't believe it either.

Type. Select. Erase.

(type. select. erase.)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

If there are any two shirts I'd love to re-own, it's these two:

Someone point me in their direction. Thanks.


Monday, August 10, 2009

"When a boy writes off the world, it's done in sloppy, misspelled words. If a girl writes off the world, it's done in cursive. I'm searching for her."


Thursday, August 06, 2009

I hope there is somebody out there that is a lot like Anna. She has always been the epitome of perfection for that weird? Is it weird that, even though this song and episode both have completely different meaning to me these days, I still hold this close to my heart?

Call me what you will, but if there's an Anna out there, I'm going to find her, and she won't be another notch in my belt.

She's better than that.


Tuesday, August 04, 2009

I wish I could tell you how many songs you ruined for me. But, that's okay. I'll still listen. I just have an empty feeling in my gut when they come on.


Sunday, August 02, 2009

I am happy. For the first time in a long time, I can say that for the time being, I'm happy and stress-free. This time around, I'm doing things my way.

I'm going out and meeting new people. I'm down 30+ pounds thanks to the encouragement of my friends. I'm fitting into shirts I haven't worn in years. I'm loving it.

I have hopes for the future these days. I don't know where I want to be, but I know who I want to be. I'm not the same kid that would get torn down at the drop of a hat. Thick skin and a brain has finally come into play.

Living well is my best revenge to all of those I have lost. I didn't need you, anyway.

Here's to those still around. Those that didn't run. Those that are there for me. Those that let me crash on their floor/couch. Those that call me out on my bullshit. Those that would rather be bored with me than bored alone. Those that travel with me. Those that let me tag along. Those that respond to late night/early morning texts. Those that let me complain. Those that I can call my friend and absolutely mean without a shadow of a doubt.

You are the people I owe everything to. Blood is thicker than water, but I swear that my water isn't something to scoff at.


Friday, July 31, 2009

Sometimes you just gotta kill 'em with kindness.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

"But, you'll probably hate her now. You know, she's just a name. But, with smoke in her hair, I could still smell how sweet she would be to kiss. And we talked about nothing until she had to go. Where second chances and small talk could have kept me up all night. 'Cause it gets only close enough so you'll know you'll never have her heart. Just sometimes words and long waits inbetween, when she tries hard to be mean. You'll never have her heart...this time."

Lifetime: "Francie Nolan"

Sometimes, I rediscover bands and albums. Sometimes, I rediscover bands with logos I have permanently inked into my skin. Lifetime is that band.

I encourage everyone to go out and buy their album "Jersey's Best Dancers," or at least read the lyrics. Without them, there would be no Fall Out Boy. No Taking Back Sunday. No Saves the Day. There probably wouldn't be the same kid typing this very entry.

Ari Katz had a way with words. He didn't try to sugarcoat how he felt. He made it known that he was going through something, and did it in a way that made his fans relate.

My freshman year of college, I used to play their album, "Hello Bastards," on their way to class. Fast, gritty punk rock with a melodic twist and clever lyrics.

Next time you see the tattoo on my forearm, ask me about the inspiration behind it. Lifetime shaped me to be who I am today. It's funny to say that because they are just a band...and, besides a quick little reunion, they broke up before I even hit puberty.

But, while friends, relationships, and hobbies have come and gone, music has always been there for me. My headphones have shared more with me than anything else, and I like it that way.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

There are so many things I wish I could say to people, but I know I never will.

So, much like a Hallmark card, pick one of these statements, and think I'm actually saying it to you.

- I think you're missing an opportunity that you might regret.
- Your boyfriend weirds me out.
- I wish you wouldn't drink so much.
- Don't lose what you have right now. This is the best thing to ever happen to you.
- I think your weight is unhealthy.
- I wish we still talked. I miss those late nights.
- You complain too much.
- Stop running away. What you're leaving is worth the butterflies.
- Make music with me.
- I miss you more than you know.
- I apologize for never being around. I will come visit someday.
- If you're unhappy, why are you not making changes?
- Those weekends were fun. Thank you.
- Thank you for always letting me crash at your house. That's always the best part.
- I know we hadn't talked since voting, but your death really, really shook me up. I hope you're okay, and I wish I was able to talk to you again.
- You should have given me a chance.
- You need medication.
- Stop trying to fit in. You look stupid.
- I treasure the time we spent together, but I don't think I could ever do it again.
- You have too much talent to be so unmotivated.
- I wish you hadn't fallen apart.
- I'm gonna be somebody someday. Just believe in me.

Take your pick.


The video has nothing to do with the song, but I love the song a lot. I need to be in a band again. I have too much to say, and not enough talent on my own to express it.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Like I said in my previous post, at least I can say that I gave it my best shot.

Sometimes, I get too ahead of myself. When I really want something, I submerge myself in it fully. I forgot who I was dealing with this time around.

Here's to the future, here's to the past.

Let's see where I can go from here.


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

All it takes for me is one song to spark a memory in my brain. All it takes is one song, one scent, one glance at scenery. All it takes is one seemingly trivial thing to start a snowball effect, leaving me feeling overwhelmed and compelled to write at the end.

All it took was listening to "Graduation Day" by Head Automatica at work the other evening.

I got to thinking about where I was when I first got into that song (I remember standing at the car wash, telling Nate how the album had leaked online, and how excited I was), and how it came out the summer before my big senior year of high school.

From there, I went to think of senior class songs, and how typically cliche they always are. Being the South, the popular one is, of course, "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Then, of course, there's "Here's To The Night" by Eve 6, that one Vitamin C song, and others. Same shit, different year.

The Bartram Trail class of 2007 broke that mold. We had "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.

At the time, I remember thinking how obviously stupid this was. I probably thought I was too cool for that, or that it should have been some hip, underground song that nobody had heard that should have been chosen. But, looking back, I think it described us as a whole: unique. Every single person I knew had a unique personality, whether I liked it or not. We were arrogant pricks. We were too smart for our own good. We were young. We were dumb. We were (not) ready for whatever the world had to throw at us.

Then, I thought about how I've had two years to reflect on that single year of my life. I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but a lot can happen in two years, and, in fact, it has. The Jake from two years ago is no longer the Jake sitting in front of this very laptop.

I've made a lot of mistakes in the past two years. I've lost people I shouldn't, and I've hurt people I never meant to. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces from an important relationship I've lost, and I regret the past every single day. You know who you are.

I've lost a majority of the friends I had, and it is my fault. I decided to travel every weekend and miss a lot back home. I spent so much time chasing my dream that I was too blind to see what I was leaving in the dust.

I've met a lot of great people in the past two years in wrestling, and have made a group of close friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. I've worked all over Florida, been published in magazines and on DVD covers, as well as websites. I've made hundreds of memories, and hope for many more.

But, I miss my old life. Somewhere along the line, I forgot how young I was. I decided to forget that I was 18 when I started in wrestling, and I've always acted older than I really was. I'm not even old enough to buy alcohol.

For as much as I love wrestling, and I love my friends involved in it, not working a show until August 22nd is a godsend for me. I'm trying to reconnect with people here, as well as trying my ass off to rekindle something that I want. If it doesn't happen, then at least it can end knowing that I gave it my best shot.

I know this got jumbled along the way, but this is how my mind works. What started with a song ended with me sharing my regrets with life.

No wonder why I think I'm losing my mind.


Friday, July 17, 2009

"You keep the ring, I'll keep the Saturdays in bed."

This song just keeps popping up sporadically over the last two years.

This is my 100th post, and nothing has changed.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

I keep falling asleep on my side, and waking up on yours.
It's hard to sleep so soundly when you know that you're alone.
Dreaming just can't cut it when faced with reality,
Your pillow still has your scent, and now it's all that I can breathe.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

I have so much I want to say but not enough brain capacity to get it all out in an orderly fashion. I feel like a kinked hose, just waiting to let loose.

But, the fact is, I'm probably never going to say anything in here that is going to get me in trouble with anyone else. Besides, I'm too old for teen angst anyway, right?

When hoses are blocked for too long, do they pop?


Friday, June 26, 2009

Whenever I think of Michael Jackson, I think of:

- Daron Smythe going through ringtones in my car on the way to a Fusion show, and popping when he found "Dirty Diana"
- Jon telling me a story about how his football team in high school would sing, "You Are Not Alone"
- Watching Pop Up Video with Emily and loving the song "Black Or White"
- Being freaked out by the "Thriller" video
- Putting on my Michael Jackson Greatest Hits CD at Urban Outfitters for all my coworkers to enjoy
- The Halloween party deal they'd have at Jupiter Farms Elementary every year, Panther Prowl, because the gymnastic team would do a routine to "Thriller"
- Singing to "Billie Jean" super loudly in my car. I still do that.

It's definitely a sad day, not only with the death of the "King of Pop," but also the death of Farrah Fawcett. I didn't have any sort of attachment to Farrah, though, so I can't really speak of her. Horrible situation, though.


Saturday, June 20, 2009

There's a Bible in the drawer next to my bed,
And a heavy heart underneath the sheets.

Atlanta's bright lights are passing me by,
Steady going 80 on I-75.
It's not so easy trying to run from our past,
But it's all I can really do.
I want to talk to you.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

This is for holes punched in walls due to passion,
Or for being given up on like last Fall's fashion.

We are the trees that don't change colors.
We are the sidewalks with initials forever carved.
We are the words at the tip of your tongue.
We are the future.
(and this world is fucked.)

PS. You've ruined all of my favorite songs.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

"I was going to kiss you, but the cigarette smoke on your breath is really hindering that."

Your heart isn't speaking loud enough these days.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

I could overanalyze every single word we say until it is crushed into nothing. But, all that would do is leave us speechless.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Pretty eyes, pirate smile, you dated a music man.

Yet, all you knew how to do was sing siren songs.


Friday, June 05, 2009

The prettiest I had ever seen her is when she was standing in the rain. There was no rhyme or reason for why she was out there, and I'm not even sure if she knew that it was raining. She always felt like the outdoors was the only place she really felt alive. As a child, she would climb trees five times her size, but was always too afraid to climb down. I guess this was foreshadowing her relationships in later years.

I didn't know what to say to her that night, and I still don't know what to say about it. She had raccoon eyes that were dead-set on me. She knew just how to make me freeze up, like I didn't have a thought in my head or a tongue in my mouth.

" okay?"

That's all I could muster up. I got nothing. She could tell. She preyed on this sort of thing. She knew that she was able to leave me speechless, and she knew how to milk that for everything it was worth (which was more than I knew at the time). I was a better listener, anyway.

So, there she was, in her front yard; her eyes looking at me, then glancing at the stars, then back to me, then to the ground. This pattern kept repeating for what felt like hours, but was barely even minutes. Time has a funny way of stopping when you're young and du(in love)mb. I had to do something so the hands on the clock would start spinning again.

I reached out for her soaking wet hand, but she pulled away. She was just like her mother, no matter how hard she tried not to be. From one person to the next, thinking the burning bridges in her rearview mirror wouldn't make that big of a mess. But, the difference between them is that her mom never returned to the scene of the crime.

We did this every couple of months. She would come back, and then she would leave just as fast. I'm not sure if it was the summer air that kept me hanging on, or if it was just so I could have a story to tell anyone who would dare listen. I could talk about it all for hours, but I couldn't talk to her for a second. That's the shy, awkward teenager in me.

But it all goes back to that rainy night. If rain is typically symbolic for a rebirth of sorts, when do I get to feel new again?


Thursday, June 04, 2009

Please, stop me.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

"There's nothing really left to say. My soul is stuck on the interstate. When I finally get around to coming home, I have long forgotten the area code."
- Fake Problems
"Heart BPM"

For a while, I felt like that. When Florida was running a different show every weekend, I completely disconnected myself from everyone at home. I lost a lot of friends (while gained many close ones), and just didn't feel like my life was at home anymore. I missed everyone.

Things have calmed down, and I'm around more. That's a plus. I miss my friends that I only really get to see at wrestling events, but I will see them eventually. That's just how it goes.

Filling up notebooks again with writings. I love that. I haven't done it in years.

I don't really have anything to say that I want to talk about in here. Talk to me in person if you want to. I don't bite.


Saturday, May 23, 2009

"Nothing on the radio but songs that remind me of you.
But someday, lady, you'll accomp'ny me.
The queen of my highway heart.
My blacktop baby.
My streetlight star.
My dashboard dreamer.
And you don't even know."


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'm trying to get Buster Poindexter height with my hair.

Today I told someone that music was my only girlfriend right now, and it's [sadly] true. We've had an on-again-off-again relationship for the past two years, but I think we worked out the kinks and here we go again.

I always mean to update this but I never end up doing it. I'm sorry.

Had a great time at the Fusion One Year Anniversary bash, and it made me step back and look at the past year for me. I've made truly great friends and lost many as well. I've traveled up and down the Sunshine State for the majority of the weekends, and have seen and experienced many things. I've had disappointments and accomplishments, and a whole lot of times that have been chalked up to life experiences. I just can't believe how some of the events that took place a year ago are still so fresh in my mind, like I lived it last week. Yet, some things that took place a month or two ago have completely escaped my memory. My mind is crazy.

This is a dumb entry. I will post something good some other time.


Friday, May 08, 2009

When I saw KRS-One in concert, he told a speech. To paraphrase, he basically said the hackneyed phrase, "Your present affects your future." I have heard it so many times in my life, I almost shrugged it off as nothing of importance.

But, the way he said it, he sounded like he meant it. He sounded like someone that knew what he was saying could go in one ear and out the other, so he stepped up the power and emotion in his voice. He sounded like someone that had been there and made unfavorable decisions, and was paying for it now. He wasn't just some person trying to boost their ego by thinking, "Gee, someday, _________ will look back and say that I gave them the best piece of advice they had ever received."

He sounded REAL.

I really took what he said to heart, but more so in the last month. I'm a difficult person to deal with: I'm stubborn, occasionally unmotivated, and, for lack of better terms, a downer. But I'm trying.

Who I am now will affect who I am next week. Or next month. Or next year. Or when I'm 30. Or 40. Or 50. Etc.

I don't want to look back and be bummed out by how I acted or approached certain subjects or people. I'm young enough to change my ways, and old enough to realize it.

To those that I have hurt or wronged in the past, I owe you my most sincere apology from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for sticking around (I'm luckier than I ever knew).

I know it is hard to change overnight, but this is me showing effort. This summer is my time to right (or write) my wrongs.

Stick around.


Thursday, May 07, 2009

A modern day Superman am I, with a pen and some paper to fight. Words are my kryptonite, despite their ubiquity. But in my Clark Kent get up, you could never tell. It isn't a multiple personality if my Mr. Kent doesn't have personality to begin with. I can't save the world either, so don't even ask. The world can't be saved if it isn't willing to save itself. I don't have any special powers to speak of, but I'm not bad at blending in. Or lending out (cash, hearts, pain, you name it).

This Lois Lane lady needs to lend me some time. Maybe she doesn't want this Superman. Maybe she wants the vanilla Clark Kent. But how can one drop the act when the act is more impressive than the one you're hiding? Some wear masks to cover scars. Some drive big cars to hide their shortcomings. I wear these tights and cape to hide myself as a whole.

Look up to me, kids. I'm that superhero that you wish you could be...

but everyone has a breaking point.


Friday, April 24, 2009

I was recently talking to a friend of mine about bands that we considered "ours," and how they got taken away from us when they got popular. My three main choices: Taking Back Sunday, Fall Out Boy, and Say Anything.

I first heard Taking Back Sunday in the summer of 2002, but didn't really get into them until December of that year. I remember my friend driving us to pick up his sister from cheerleading practice in the snow, and I had a dance to go to that night. I was real nervous. But, for some reason or another, "Cute Without the 'E'" came on, and everything seemed to click. My life changed from that point on. "Tell All Your Friends" was an album that defined me, and really submerged me into a music scene that I guess I have gotten out of. I just think back seven years ago and how different everything was, and I can't help to smile. Young and angsty, I guess. I miss it.

Fall Out Boy was a band that I first heard in 2003. "Chicago Is So Two Years Ago" turned me on to clever and tongue-in-cheek lyrics, and made being vengeful and spiteful sound so fun. Their first three albums are still on heavy rotation, and their lyrics still go through my head (ex. "...and when this all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me 'sorry' with a straight face," and "I'm the kinda kid that can't let anything go, and you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat.") I saw them live in a gym in 2004, and actually met them. They were opening for Sugarcult and they were just hanging out. This was before egos took over and they got radio play, so it was early 2004. God, I miss them.

Say Anything was a band that I first heard in the summer of 2004, but didn't get into until the winter of that year. Max Bemis is a genius, and "...Is A Real Boy" helped me out during a hard time in my life. That album helped get me friends, as we would all talk about how we saw them on their first ever show in Florida, and talk about his lyrics and how crazy he was. I got the CD for Christmas in 2004, and I wore it out. I can still sing every song in its entirety, even though I don't remember the last time I listened to it. I felt such a sense of friendship when my friends and I would sing "Belt" ("so what say you and all your friends meet all of my friends in the alley tonight?"), and I still think back to it whenever I hear it. I remember telling my manager at Hot Topic back then that they were going to be huge...guess I was right.

These are bands that I wish I could have kept as my own little secret, but things never work like that. Those three bands shaped who I am today. Before wrestling took over, music was my love. I hope it goes back to that again someday.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My sister is moving to Georgia in little over a week, and it is now dawning on me as to how weird that will be for me. For the past twenty years of my life she has lived with me, so this change, though it is definitely good for her, is going to be very strange for me. There won't be anyone to watch old Nickelodeon commercials on Youtube with at 1am. There won't even be anyone else here up at 1am, for that matter. There won't be anyone to reminisce about random stuff about here all the time, or to go to the store with me late at night when I forget something. I know these things sound really little to most, but it means something to me.

I tell people this a lot, but since my family moved around a lot, we became really close. For a while, we were all we really had. Before we made friends, we would spend all of our time together. Though it was very frustrating at times, looking back, I wouldn't change it for the world. Emily and I got really close due to the fact that we were experiencing new middle schools and high schools together at the same time, so we understood each other as to where we were coming from. So, this is going to be a hard move for me, but I will do my regular gimmick and just be stonefaced. That's how I am, I guess. She's gonna enjoy herself though.

This weekend marks my parents' 25th wedding anniversary, and we are having a big party for both that as well as Em's graduation. 25 years is a long time, and a big feat. To think that my mom was about my age when she moved to Florida and got married boggles my mind. I am so far from that, it can't even compute to me. Being together for this long takes skill. I'm very happy for them.

I listen to Bob Seger a lot. Almost too much.

I keep trying to post a video on here of Arlie and the Hero, but I can't figure it out. I think I'm just going to post it in a different post, and then post this. Here goes nothing.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'm going to Tallahassee this weekend to see some old friends and hopefully clear my head. Every trip to Tally I've made so far has been a good time, and that's what I need right now. A good time with old friends. And maybe tattoos.

Lately, I'm not sure how to think about anything. I hope that goes away soon.

I'm almost done with this semester and I can't wait. Some sort of time off of this schedule would be great.

The New York/MD trip I'm planning would be mid June. I'm just looking for somewhere in NY to house me at the moment. When I can figure that out, I will finally be back in yankee country again. I'm sick of the confederacy.


Saturday, April 11, 2009

"I lost my mind, and now I'm losing tell me something awesome."

Sometimes, I find out things that make me feel great. They genuinely make me feel like a million bucks. I didn't even do anything, and I feel like I won the war.

I've said it a lot today, but you get what you deserve. You didn't deserve me. I was too good.

Freeeeedommmm. Freedom of bad thoughts. Freedom of sadness. Freedom of anxiety.

I'm yawning out any oxygen that was tainted by my past. In with the new, out with the you.

I'm feeling a trip to Maryland and New York this summer, no doubt. I gotta figure it all out.


Tuesday, April 07, 2009

"I'm not sure if you're worth it, but I'm not ready to call this a night."

The second line in that lyric was the first one I contributed to Arlie. That song with rough vox just came on my iPod and I thought I should share. is my birthday. The big 2-0. No longer involved in teenager stuff. You guys are all kids.I'm a man's man, now. Thank you to Caity, JD, Shain, Megan, and Brittany for the midnight birthday wishes.

So, Jake, how are you spending your birthday?

I'm glad you asked. I'm waking up at 7am, taking Shannon to the airport, going to class, and then going to work, thus not having any Jake time for my twentieth. Thanks for asking.

I've had some really cool birthday parties in my day. When I turned four, I believe, my mom made me a wrestling ring cake with the Warlord and Mountie figures on it. I loved it.

In kindergarten, I had an awesome party at the Imagination Station in Jupiter.

In fifth grade I had an awesome surprise party that I had no idea about. Thirty little prepubescent kids running around a pool. That was one of my favorites.

On my 16th birthday, some of the best friends a person could ask for threw me a surprise party. I was still the new kid, so that really was great for me. I'm forever in debt.

For my 18th, I went to Five Points with Trish and Caity, went to an art festival with Luke, met Brittany's dad, and had a little party. That was a lot of fun.

Last year, I worked.

This year? I work.

Something is wrong with this picture.


Monday, April 06, 2009

I tell people this a lot, but it's true: when I was a little kid, all I really had was wrestling and music. Those have been the two main constants in my life. So, every year, I'd wait around for Wrestlemania, as it really was the "grandaddy of them all." Especially before all the In Your House ppvs started, Wrestlemania was the one major event in sports entertainment.

I remember when they rereleased the Wrestlemanias on VHS, and how happy I was to finally get 2, 3, 4, and 5. I would watch them all the time. That was around 1999, and at that time, being a ten year old that loved that wasn't very cool. Being a twenty year old and loving that stuff now isn't very cool either, though.

Two years ago was the first time I had actually sat and watched a Wrestlemania since WM14 in 1998, meaning in the nine years from '98 to '07, the most recent one I had seen was 14. That is ridiculous.

I ordered WM25 tonight and now I am completely regretting my decision. The negatives about this show outweigh the positives. In fact, to me, the only positives were Ricky Steamboat (who was just incredible), the HBK/Taker match even though the falsies killed the crowd, and the Steve Austin segment. The main and semi-main were nothing special at all.

Have I grown out of Wrestlemania, or has it grown out of me?

I'm exhausted.


Sunday, April 05, 2009

I'm at the Saratoga Springs hotel sitting on the bed after taking a nice, much needed shower. Paco is on the next bed on his Sidekick. We are the technology communication age.

Long, busy, fun day in Lake Buena Vista. Woke up and drove down with some friends in the car, and experienced some great conversations.

We got to the hotel and played some Rock Band before going out to the Magic Kingdom. The Magic Kingdom during the day is a nightmare. Millions of people everywhere, and none of them know where they are going/what they are doing. I guess I was one of them, but still. We went to Splash Mountain which was a lot scarier than I remembered. I don't mean to sound like some jabrone, but for real. It was unpleasant. Hit up It's A Small World and maybe something else (I don't remember), and went back to the hotel for food.

Went back to the park at around seven and it was just phenomenal. The amount of people there was almost cut in half, the weather was nice, and everyone was in much better spirits. I finally rode all three mountains in a day, but I gotta say, I hated Space Mountain. Hearing all the creaks of the track, and being in total darkness, made me feel like I was in hell. But, now I can say I did it.

I had a lot of fun today, and I'm dreading going back to the real world.


Saturday, April 04, 2009

I should be sleeping because I gotta be up to go to Disney in a couple of hours. I'm excited but nervous at the same time. Some people that were supposed to come can't make it, and it kind of bums me out. But the friends that are coming mean a lot to me, and I don't want to take advantage of it.

Today, Shannon and I took a quick little road trip down to Gainesville, and it was pretty enjoyable. I hadn't listened to bands like Casey Jones and Set Your Goals in a while, so it was nostalgic to me when he put them on.

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have this really weird feeling of anxiety and fear, and I'm not sure where to go from here.I just wish that certain people would care more about stuff. It breaks my heart.

I'm listening to Atmosphere's "You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having" album. I loved this a lot.I still love it. I think it really showed what he is capable of. His newest album reinforces it.

I don't have a lot to say today, I guess. I'm just feeling weird for whatever reason.


Friday, April 03, 2009

Shannon helps me think that, hey, maybe I'm not crazy. Which, in essence, is keeping me sane.

I'm glad he's in town. Had a nice day with him and Nate, which included hitting up the town center and then Times Grill. Shannon and I then did some brodown type stuff, talked about girls and tattoos, talked about music, and now I'm heading to sleep.

Busy weekend ahead of me. Tomorrow I'm making a quick road trip down to Gainesville to pick up Stephanie, and then who knows. Either Rock Band or a tattoo. I'm still undecided, I guess.

I may just wait until I can get up to MD so Shannon could give me one. But who knows the next time I will be there?

Time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.


Thursday, April 02, 2009

Tonight I'm listening to the Gaslight Anthem's "The Senor and the Queen." Not for much longer though, because it is only four songs long. I don't know how I became such a big fan of this band, it just kind of happened. I heard about them on NPR at some point last year and it went on from there. I like that they can use words like "senorita" and "casanova" and genuinely make it work.

I don't think I did anything of major importance today, besides hanging out with Trish. I hadn't seen her since New Year's Eve, which is odd. She used to basically live at my house, so for her to not be around anymore is still weird to has been this way for a while.

Shannon comes into town tomorrow afternoon, and I'm stoked about it. I haven't seen him since summer 2007 when Countermind came to town, and that visit was too short for my liking. He's staying until my birthday, and I'm definitely happy about it.

I wanna go get a tattoo this weekend, but I'm not sure where to go to get what I want. I'd like to get a chest piece, but what I'd get means a lot to me, so I just can't get some random skeezeball to do it. I don't know. I will figure something else. I just always seem to get a tattoo around this time of year.

Now I'm listening to the Format's "Interventions & Lullabies" album. Lots of good memories go hand in hand with the Format. Whether it is singing "Dog Problems" with Bo in Mr. Franke's class senior year, or going to their show with Brittany, Luke, and Shelby. They are a band for me that I could just continuously listen to and quote over and over and over. I'm such a fanboy sometimes.

I changed the name of my blog. I really want to get more people than just AV reading it, though I thank you for reading it nonetheless.


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Over the past four days, it has been raining in Florida a lot. Lots more than it has been, at least. If April showers really do bring May flowers, then expect a ton of pilgrims in the fifth month. I'm so clever, I know. The rain was so bad after work tonight that I had to take a shortcut around the block to Best Buy, because I could hardly see the road. So, I sat in their parking lot, sending a few "be safe" messages, checking my email, whatever. It finally let up, but even then, the roads were atrocious.

I've taken plenty of English and film classes to know that rain is always a symbol of some form of 'rebirth.' A revitalizing experience of sorts. It is supposed to refresh you, cleanse you, etc. Florida must really need some reshaping.

The reason I bring all of this up, is driving home from Crystal River, we hit some really bad weather. Bad to the point where lightning was happening in five second intervals, and I was going 15 under the speed limit.

But, on the drive home, I talked to JD and we were talking about the situation I was in, and why I really wanted to get back to JAX. After getting it all out, and hearing his perspective, it made me realize what I was doing. It was like a part of my brain decided to show up and join the party. I felt new. I felt ready for the future. Sure, what happened still hurt me, but I realized that I can handle it. Because I didn't do anything wrong for once!

The rain this evening started not too long after talking to Nate, and gaining more confidence in myself and the future. More cleansing of my past feelings. I'm liking this trend.

So here I lay in my bed once again, this time listening to Ryan Adams' "Heartbreaker" album. I haven't listened to it in a long time. It has the song that Caity and I used to call ours on it, but I will probably fall asleep before it comes on. I kind of want to listen to the rain.

So does anybody read this blog? And, if so, can you let me know please? I don't care who you are. Thanks.


Tuesday, March 31, 2009

So she was overwhelmed by the thought of me. I thought that could have potentially been a good thing. We could have potentially been a good thing. But, that's okay. Not enough harm done for me to raise an eyebrow at the situation. Let my guard down for the first time in a while. I had some sort of trust in all of this. It's (ti)me against the world. And that's something I don't have to raise an eyebrow at either.

So here I am, laying in bed, listening to Jimmy Eat World. I used to listen to "Clarity" to fall asleep when I first moved to Jacksonville because it relaxed me. Now I listen to it to get any sort of emotion I can. I'm only on the second track, but I can't say I'm getting much. I just turned up the volume. Maybe that will help. I love the line, "From one excuse to the other," because of the different meanings it can take on. Are you saying excuse after excuse? Or am I calling ourselves excuses?

So I'm turning 20 in a couple of days, but I still feel like I'm 13. Is there a point in life where you feel your age? When I was 13, I felt 20. Is it possible to become more naïve the more you age? If that's not possible, then I guess I don't necessarily know what I'm doing. I'm going against the grain. I've grown up a lot, but I still feel like such a child. I need to move away.

I'm just trying to keep typing and seeing what exactly comes out. I think I have fat fingers because I keep pressing buttons on my Blackberry that I don't mean to press. I'd keep the mistakes but my fingers are too quick. They are very Jackie Chan. Do you think that Jackie Chan is quick in real life? I will have to look into that. I don't think so, though.

So I got ahead of myself and made her think that I wanted more than I did. I think this is all ridiculous, but I can't blame her. We have a history. Or a herstory. Maybe an ourstory. And while all of those stories have the same outcome, she can't deny what she has felt over the past little while. She's not a liar, which is a good thing. I was just talking to my friend, and I told him that I was back at square one. We decided that we hated square one, as well as any person that has somehow gotten off that square and onto another.

"Can you still feel those butterflies?" I did for the first time in years. Now I don't. What happened to those proverbial butterflies? I think they flew out when my jaw dropped in disbelief. Sometimes, life doesn't make sense.

I think this blog entry is long enough. Still have a lot on my chest, but I don't want to get myself in trouble.


Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sike. I fell for it.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

"...and if you're scared of the future tonight, we can take it each hour one at a time. It's a pretty good night for a drive, so dry off those eyes, and dry off those eyes. Because the radio's still playing loud, songs that we heard as our guards came down. Like in the summer time when we first met. I'll never forget, don't you ever forget: these nights are still ours."

Hope I got that right. Hope I get this right. I never do. I'm trying as hard as I can, but I don't know if that's helping. I wanna give up but at the same time, this means too much to me.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

So I found the old Arlie demos with no vocals and for whatever reason, I've been listening to them lately. I kind of want to record over them, but, you know, I'm not very good at that whole singing thing.I think that's what's stopping me. When the whole band thing stopped, I got really down on myself for not being good. We'll see. I miss being in front of people performing though. That's for sure.

Speaking of music, I've been listening to a lot of it lately. The Ergs!, Bomb the Music Industry!, Against Me!, and other bands with exclamation points have been at the top of my iTunes. I didn't realize that both of those bands had that punctuation, and now I feel like a goof. Besides those three, I've been listening to a lot of Gaslight Anthem, and I feel like a Saves the Day kick is coming up. Springtime is great Saves the Day weather.

Man, I wish I still had a Spring Break. I forget what that's like. Even a summer for that matter. I'm too young to be working full time. I'm missing out on life in my opinion. Let me be bored every now and again! I don't want to be busy every second that I'm awake! Come on, man!


Saturday, February 28, 2009


"...but I need you! Can't you see that?" I yelled, but she thinks she's got me figured out. She thinks I'm see-through; she thinks I'm glass. Little does she know that I'm tinted. I'm the one fooling this time. Doesn't she know that I am the connoisseur of one-liners and one night stands? You can't work a worker, and you can't outthink someone who hasn’t for years.

She smiled that smile that would go great in
L.A., but nowhere else. You know: the cigarette-smoked, coffee-stained, blood curdling, beautiful, sparkling, movie star-esque smile. It’s the type of smile where you either want to choke her, or run before she chokes you. Typically, I wait it out.

"Lauren, are you even listening to me anymore?" I proclaimed, already predicting my answer from a mile away. She saw the blink. There is no way around it.

The funny thing is I was never like this before. I was very run of the mill. My underwear used to have "Sage" written on every tag (it’s a nickname. My mother calls my Paul. My father doesn’t call me much), my socks had X's on them to know which ones are mine. I did the same thing every day, just to make sure I was still alive. I went through the motions until I got motion sickness; then I did it again.

But that one nihilist of the female race changed me, and I want it back. She owes me a pen for my undergarments, coffee and a cigarette for every single morning, and a good thousand hours of sleep.

Morrissey used to write about girls like you. He wrote albums just thinking about girls like you. You made him famous. You made him money. How dare you! Who do you think you are? Where are my royalties?

The difference between me and him is that I am real. I am talking from the heart; he is talking from the Walkman, the mp3 player, the iPod, or whatever other hipster electronic music device you have. I am talking from that abyss in my chest, the one that you had no problem deserting.

I always remembered how to spell "dessert" from "desert", because you always want two helpings of "dessert", which contains two S's. But, after much thought, being deserted twice wouldn't hurt so badly.

I used to spread gossip around the school about you. The handwriting on the bathroom door was mine. I couldn’t believe that you never found out…apparently your mascara went to your brain.

Or maybe the smoke made a thick layer covering it.

Or maybe the tight jeans cut off any circulation you had.

Or maybe you just aren’t as bright as I gave you credit for.

The idea of you and me couldn’t have ever happened. Let’s be real, here. We’d be one half eloquently beautiful, and ¼ love disabled. The other ¼ I’ll leave up to the imagination.

I remember when you walked in that night. You were the stereotypical gorgeous female, wearing her stereotypical gorgeous dress, walking in her stereotypical gorgeous style. Then, there’s me. You know, that one boy that just kind of stands there? Too dignified to be a loner, but not even cool enough to be a wallflower.

You left as quickly as you came in. And then, even before the door shut behind you, you were back again. Where are you now, darling? If history is repeating itself, I’d love to give Big Ben a piece of my dirty little mind. I’d love to tell him how he’s ruining that little speck of patience I had left, and once it’s gone, he will pay for it in blood.

Or time.

If all this is is a game, then call me a cheater. Call me a crook. Call me anything you want. I will play Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun, but the gentleman I am, I will let you go first. Don’t thank me, it’s only common courtesy.

It was at a Christmas party on December 21, 2003, and little old me, I was just waiting for something disastrous to happen. I was just waiting for someone to walk through the blizzard going on outside and come steal my heart. I was just waiting for someone to take off their coat, walk up to me, and say "I’ve been just waiting for you my entire life. Take me now; I’m yours." I wish I were still just waiting.

We started off with some small talk.

"Hey, I’ve seen you around before."

"Really, top honors in your class? Congratulations!"

"You’ve had that muscle in my chest since you came here. Let’s go."

Okay, maybe the last one didn’t happen, but it should have. There’s a more than likely chance that it would’ve scared you away, and none of this would’ve happened. Right now, I would’ve been sipping coffee loaded with sugar, watching late night infomercials while faking happiness.

Instead, I’m sitting here at a bus stop in downtown Baltimore, contemplating getting on or not. It’s a new game I play: "To Ride Or Not To Ride". I’m a modern-day Shakespeare, I know, you don’t have to tell me.

I’ve started writing this diary of sorts in hope that you will one day find it and get a look into that sick little head of mine. Actually, if I had the capacity to put down everything in my head, psychiatrists would want to study me. I’d be a neuroscientist’s dream.

Anne Frank named her diary "Kitty". I will name this one "Jaguar", because I’m not as innocent as she was. That poor girl went through hell and back during World War 2, and here I am, whining and crying because a little girl broke my little heart.

Boo hoo.

I remember when we drove to Clemson, South Carolina in March 2004, just because we could. We had the senioritis mindset, and we couldn’t be proven wrong. We rode with the windows down because we wanted to be free. We were free.

"Ugh, this song reminds me of my ex. Turn it off, please," you said about The Beach Boys’ "God Only Knows".

Little did you know, I put that song especially on this mix because it reminded me of you. The score is now Lauren – 1, Sage – 0.

In Clemson, we didn’t know anybody; just the way we wanted it. We were nothing more than a couple of tourists. You were nothing more than an arrogant woman with an agenda to fulfill. I was nothing more than a fool in love. Scoreboard? Lauren – 2 Sage – 0.

I made you a mix tape a month before you ended us. You ended us. I don’t remember much of it, except that I began it with The Beatles’ "Eight Days A Week" and ended it with Ryan Adams’ "Come Pick Me Up". I remember it took me two weeks to put both sides in complete order, without having any sort of awkward silences between songs. I walked by your house the other day and saw it in your front seat. The score is now Lauren – 2, Sage – 1.

On August 15, 2004, you asked me where I saw myself in ten years.

"Right here with you in my arms, celebrating the ten year anniversary of you asking me this question", I responded quickly.

This cunning hero only got a chuckle out of you, but that’s not what I was aiming for. I bet by now that you’ve heard through the grapevine that I was half-serious about my answer. Okay, more like 75% serious, but either way, I wasn’t lying. And you laughed. What the hell was I supposed to do in that situation? Honestly, back me up against a wall, why don’t you? So, I laughed with you. I played it off like it didn’t mean anything to me. But it did. But you did. Ladies and gentleman, Lauren has just scored one million points, and I don’t believe that this game is going to go in the favor of Sage. From all of us here, goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Jaguar, I fear that someday, I will never find someone as great as she was. The way the Christmas lights reflected off her eyes, or the way her hand always found mine. The one problem I always had with that was that they never fit together. I consider handholding to be much like a puzzle. Our hands were never able to piece together. I guess I really don’t have to worry about that much now, huh?

So, here I am, still sitting at that same Baltimore bus stop on this beautiful, stormy day. I think I’ll ride today, like I thought I’d ride for the past month. I always have to keep myself on my toes. I consider myself a Forrest Gump of sorts; except for the box of chocolates (I’m allergic) and the wise sayings (I’m allergic). But, I do enjoy sitting here, and I’m really not too bad at Ping-Pong. I also want to run across the country someday, and if I don’t die, it’d be a beautiful experience.

Lauren, I’m writing this because I don’t know what to say whenever we talk in person. On those rare occasions when we do talk, that is. I should by now, though, considering phone calls from you always go the same route.



"What do you need?" This is where I put on my tough-guy voice. Such a man’s man.

"We need to talk."

"I think you’ve said enough."



If phone conversations were a talent competition, I’d be William Hung. That’s for sure.

I remember waking up to an ambulance speeding by my apartment complex. When you hear sirens and hope to God it’s for you, you know you’ve met the gutter life. But, I found that it wasn’t for me, but it was for little old Mrs. Judy Karan down the hall in 14B (they say it’s 14B, but it’s really 13B. We all know it, we just don’t like to say it). Don’t worry, she’s fine. I just hate that old people always seem to take my glory away from me. You’re old enough to have had the attention before, Mrs. Karan! Andy Warhol claimed that everyone has their fifteen minutes of fame, so damn it, why couldn’t you let me have mine? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she’s fine. I just think that she did it for the attention. She spilled that water that she was probably using to make her morning tea and she slipped on it. What a conniving old hag!

I drove down to Annapolis today just to walk around the harbor and feel the history. I drove down there, and all I felt was carsick. I don’t mean to sound cynical, because I love this city. But, I always seem to hype it more than I should. I always imagine this beautiful scene, with bare trees and white grounds, with the brisk air whipping my face. But, it’s August, and it’s so hot that even fire is afraid to go outside; for fear that it would sweat.

Past the hair hanging in my eyes, all I seem to notice are all of the lonely people there. I saw maybe two couples holding hands, but it wasn’t in a loving manner at all. It seemed more dysfunctional and depressing than it did loving. I saw these pleasant, lonely people, and it seemed like they had not a care in the world. Then, a light bulb went off in my head. I don’t need you, Lauren. I don’t need you one bit. To me, you aren’t my air anymore. You’re more like the IRS; everyone tries to avoid you until you go after them.

Lauren, what I’m trying to say is that I’m done beating myself up over what could’ve been. Would of, could of, should have. I’m just so sick of being down about you. I’m young, willing, and able. I’ve never needed you; I’ve only thought that I needed someone to be someone. I am someone. Well, at least I’m going to be someone. Watch out for me all over television someday. Notorious or famous by my own means, I will be famous none-the-less. Besides, I have nothing better to do.

So, Jaguar, this is the end of our friendship. I’ve laughed with you, I’ve done a fair share of crying with you, and without you, I don’t think I’d be here right now. Jag, I’m leaving you at the bus stop just so someone can find you and maybe you’ll help them out like you did me. A wise man once said, "Confidence is key."

I would love to shake his hand, and say, "Thank you for everything. You help me more than you’ll ever know."

Final score: Sage – freedom, Lauren – loneliness.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I love how if I talk to an old friend, and I tell them I'm not really into the music scene anymore, I always get some sort of shocked reaction. Like I was once on top of it all or something.

Granted, I did bring the backwards belt movement to BTHS in 10th grade.I also brought the spiked bracelets movement to WHMS in 7th grade. I guess you gotta take the good with the bad.

I made a mix called "Four Bands I Used to Be Really Into," and it is just songs by Underoath, mewithoutYou, the Chariot, and Norma Jean. I should have called it, "How In The Hell Didn't I Get Struck By Lightning While Listening to Christian Music?"

Ed, since you might read this, do you know yet if you're gonna be home this summer? Because I have the urge to play a show. I almost just wrote "playa show," which should be my new nickname.

I'm just delirious now.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

"I kept your picture just behind the eye, those weeks when our distance grew.
Drove north where I found you waiting in Des Moines - thank God I'm not losing
And girl, I hope you're not alone - and sleep through this weather.
And girl, I hope you're whole again - back home we'll sleep better.

We collide, and onward we do fly."

- The Anniversary, "The D In Detroit"

That song takes me right back to 8th grade.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I take my finger, turn into a pen.
Then, I run my hand down your spine.
You guess I wrote something profound,
Something like:"Our love will last 'til we die."
I say, "You're good at this game."
But, what I really wrote is: "How I've yet to be saved"

- The Format, "Dead End"

I listen to the Format a lot when I travel. It's not the most masculine of music, sure, but it keeps me awake. I can sing along to every song, which in itself is a difficult task for an album to accomplish. I have really good memories involving both of their albums, and seeing them live was a great experience. Shame they broke up.

I had a super busy weekend, as Ring of Honor came back to Florida. Last year when I got to work the show, it was nervewracking. I was so excited. This time, the glitz and glamour had faded, and it was just like any other show. I worked ROH in Coral Springs on Friday, Fusion in Ft. Pierce on Saturday, and FIP in Brooksville on Sunday. If you don't live in Florida, then I guess you don't realize how crazy those drives are. For me personally, from leaving JAX to coming back, I probably spent about sixteen hours altogether in a car just driving around from Friday thru Sunday.

I just wanna congratulate my boy Jon Davis on really proving himself to the ROH crowds this weekend, and killing himself in the process. This guy eats and sleeps this business, and there is nobody that deserves it more than him. Kudos also to Kory Chavis, the Lions, Brad, Shawn, FIMH, and any other FL guy that made their debut. This state is booming, and I'm glad I'm a small part of it.


Monday, February 02, 2009

It's almost like living a dream.

The life I lead, though rather exhausting, is something I enjoy.

Do I feel like the wrestling business and killed a lot of my relationships? Yes. In fact, I will go as far as to say that if I didn't get into the business, I'd be living in Tallahassee with my now ex-girlfriend. That's a shoot.

But, I've made great friends that almost make up for the ones I've lost. To be honest, I feel like I've lost most. It's my fault.

The only thing I'd change about how I'm living right now is my location. But, that's being worked on. Oh, and maybe I'd change the fact that I always drive. My car is taking a beating.

Why should I worry? We are the city that never keeps.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

You can't go home again, and it sometimes even seems like visiting is hard. Though I moved away eight years ago, I always felt as if nothing had changed. Going back today for the first time in 4.5 years, I had high hopes of seeing people. Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed those I got to see, but after an hour or two, I found myself driving back to Boca.

It was probably due to a mixture of most people going to college away from home, or the fact that I couldn't remember where most people lived. But it was definitely an experience I could've gone without.

But, on the brightside, I got matching track suits with Andy and Mark.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Remember the time I...
Ah, what's the use in bringing up the past?
That script has already been in production,
And the characters have all been cast.

But I keep going back to it,
Like a fly to a light.
But unlike that naïve bug,
I won't go down without a fight.

Call me stubborn, call me crazy,
I'm just waiting for your call.
I'm not wasting a stereo outside your window,
As I'm almost appreciating this lull.

A sheet of silence in my room,
Yet no sheets on the bed.
Everything is too afraid to make a peep,
As they want nothing more than to stay out of my head.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of YOU. I'm jealous that YOU have friends that won't abandon YOU or forget about YOU after a while. I'm jealous that YOU don't lay in bed, feeling like someone is sitting on YOUR chest. I'm jealous that YOU don't have to drive 350 miles to try and forget YOUR mind. I'm jealous that YOU can handle YOURSELF. I'm jealous that YOU got away from this town.

I'm jealous because I didn't follow.

Friday, January 09, 2009

"I...I just don't understand," said the boy who believed he was a man. "How can my peers fit in when I can't even walk a block without feeling like I don't belong? What do they have that I don't?"

"Young boy, haven't you learned?" asked the old man. "This world is as false as the night is dark. The world is a stage, and we are nothing more than actors. The only true fact in this hellish life is that nothing ever is."

Forget what you know.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Here lies Jake,
Finally free.

Just spent too much money going to get an AA that I don't want. I love it.

Happy New Year to all. I enjoyed my 2008, so I have high hopes for the upcoming.

Thank you to everyone I have met this year and have gotten close to, whether it be my wrestling family, or anyone else.

Thank you to everyone involved in some way or another in the shaping of my life in 2008.

Thank you to those that gave my photography a chance, and put me over to others.

Thank you to everyone that let me crash at their place.

Thank you to the people that have driven with me to the shows this year, as I've had some great memories.

Thank you to everyone at work, because I don't know how I could've gotten through some stuff without you. You guys are like my family.

Thank you to my family to putting up with me never being home.

Thank you to my car for being a trooper.

Thank you to my laptop for housing a lot of photographs from many wrestling matches in 2008.

Stay tuned. It only goes up from here.