Wednesday, July 22, 2009

All it takes for me is one song to spark a memory in my brain. All it takes is one song, one scent, one glance at scenery. All it takes is one seemingly trivial thing to start a snowball effect, leaving me feeling overwhelmed and compelled to write at the end.

All it took was listening to "Graduation Day" by Head Automatica at work the other evening.

I got to thinking about where I was when I first got into that song (I remember standing at the car wash, telling Nate how the album had leaked online, and how excited I was), and how it came out the summer before my big senior year of high school.

From there, I went to think of senior class songs, and how typically cliche they always are. Being the South, the popular one is, of course, "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Then, of course, there's "Here's To The Night" by Eve 6, that one Vitamin C song, and others. Same shit, different year.

The Bartram Trail class of 2007 broke that mold. We had "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.

At the time, I remember thinking how obviously stupid this was. I probably thought I was too cool for that, or that it should have been some hip, underground song that nobody had heard that should have been chosen. But, looking back, I think it described us as a whole: unique. Every single person I knew had a unique personality, whether I liked it or not. We were arrogant pricks. We were too smart for our own good. We were young. We were dumb. We were (not) ready for whatever the world had to throw at us.

Then, I thought about how I've had two years to reflect on that single year of my life. I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but a lot can happen in two years, and, in fact, it has. The Jake from two years ago is no longer the Jake sitting in front of this very laptop.

I've made a lot of mistakes in the past two years. I've lost people I shouldn't, and I've hurt people I never meant to. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces from an important relationship I've lost, and I regret the past every single day. You know who you are.

I've lost a majority of the friends I had, and it is my fault. I decided to travel every weekend and miss a lot back home. I spent so much time chasing my dream that I was too blind to see what I was leaving in the dust.

I've met a lot of great people in the past two years in wrestling, and have made a group of close friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. I've worked all over Florida, been published in magazines and on DVD covers, as well as websites. I've made hundreds of memories, and hope for many more.

But, I miss my old life. Somewhere along the line, I forgot how young I was. I decided to forget that I was 18 when I started in wrestling, and I've always acted older than I really was. I'm not even old enough to buy alcohol.

For as much as I love wrestling, and I love my friends involved in it, not working a show until August 22nd is a godsend for me. I'm trying to reconnect with people here, as well as trying my ass off to rekindle something that I want. If it doesn't happen, then at least it can end knowing that I gave it my best shot.

I know this got jumbled along the way, but this is how my mind works. What started with a song ended with me sharing my regrets with life.

No wonder why I think I'm losing my mind.


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