Tuesday, March 31, 2009

So she was overwhelmed by the thought of me. I thought that could have potentially been a good thing. We could have potentially been a good thing. But, that's okay. Not enough harm done for me to raise an eyebrow at the situation. Let my guard down for the first time in a while. I had some sort of trust in all of this. It's (ti)me against the world. And that's something I don't have to raise an eyebrow at either.

So here I am, laying in bed, listening to Jimmy Eat World. I used to listen to "Clarity" to fall asleep when I first moved to Jacksonville because it relaxed me. Now I listen to it to get any sort of emotion I can. I'm only on the second track, but I can't say I'm getting much. I just turned up the volume. Maybe that will help. I love the line, "From one excuse to the other," because of the different meanings it can take on. Are you saying excuse after excuse? Or am I calling ourselves excuses?

So I'm turning 20 in a couple of days, but I still feel like I'm 13. Is there a point in life where you feel your age? When I was 13, I felt 20. Is it possible to become more naïve the more you age? If that's not possible, then I guess I don't necessarily know what I'm doing. I'm going against the grain. I've grown up a lot, but I still feel like such a child. I need to move away.

I'm just trying to keep typing and seeing what exactly comes out. I think I have fat fingers because I keep pressing buttons on my Blackberry that I don't mean to press. I'd keep the mistakes but my fingers are too quick. They are very Jackie Chan. Do you think that Jackie Chan is quick in real life? I will have to look into that. I don't think so, though.

So I got ahead of myself and made her think that I wanted more than I did. I think this is all ridiculous, but I can't blame her. We have a history. Or a herstory. Maybe an ourstory. And while all of those stories have the same outcome, she can't deny what she has felt over the past little while. She's not a liar, which is a good thing. I was just talking to my friend, and I told him that I was back at square one. We decided that we hated square one, as well as any person that has somehow gotten off that square and onto another.

"Can you still feel those butterflies?" I did for the first time in years. Now I don't. What happened to those proverbial butterflies? I think they flew out when my jaw dropped in disbelief. Sometimes, life doesn't make sense.

I think this blog entry is long enough. Still have a lot on my chest, but I don't want to get myself in trouble.


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