I'm reading through an old writing journal of mine from 2005/2006, and I've come to the conclusion that either: A) I was so much cooler back then; or B) I was a pretentious prick.

Reading this stuff, I realize that a lot of it really isn't that bad. It's not revolutionary, but it's not bad. You can tell that I was listening to a lot of Fall Out Boy at the time, because I was trying to make puns and plays on words. I tried so hard to be different, but all it made me was the same as everyone else.

"And though you may not know it, I'm the reason why you dream. While you lie in bed and think of me, know nothing's as it seems."

That just screams arrogance. I love it. I wish I still had that and believed it.

"This hand writes all the shit I just can't pretend."

I wrote love poems, too. That's something I don't think I have done since then. I told a friend of mine the other day that I am better at writing feigned sadness because I grew up on country music. That was a realization I made as I was talking to her.

I was young. I was in love. I was as reckless as a scared, straight edge boy could be. I was wide-eyed. I was bushy-tailed. I was intelligent. I was egotistical. I was trying to be a carbon copy of Pete Wentz, with a little bit of Max Bemis, and a whole lot of Hey Chris. I was what I wanted to be, but didn't realize it until years later.

I need to find whatever it was that was making me write how I used to. Whether it's listening to Fall Out Boy and Say Anything nonstop, or watching hours of The OC, I am in dire need of my muse.




xxx.