I think it's because you're not just a friend. But do you got what I need?







xxx

Love? Yeah. I guess it's kind of like that. Long gone are the days of love being "like a piledriver." Love is a Burning Hammer.

"...but isn't it ironic that you still have ideals and I still have nothing?"

Today I watched a lot of 30 Rock with Emily.

Today I watched It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

Today I watched the rain fall outside.

Today I watched the street lights as I drove down the road.

Today I watched the inside of my eyelids as I tried to sleep.

Today I watched my professor lecture on something that I don't even remember.

Today I watched Ring of Honor results come in.

Today I watched me type things I shouldn't have typed.

Today I watched messages to me I didn't want to read.

Today I watched myself be pathetic.

Today, I watched.

xxx.

I won't lie. It's kind of what my heart did when you said what you said. I know that you are one of the few people that actually reads this, and I hope you know how much it sucks. Not for you, of course. What can I say? I should have expected some sort of payback.

So here I sit, listening to Billy Ray Cyrus. It takes me back to my nostalgic age of four. "It Won't Be The Last" came out in 1993. Let's see what else happened in 1993:


- January 11 : WWF's Monday Night RAW premieres on USA.
- January 23 : President Bill Clinton inaugurated as president
- January 27 : Andre the Giant passes away.
- January 31 : Buffalo Bills lose their third consecutive Super Bowl; Michael Jackson plays the half-time show.

- February 23 : Gary Coleman wins a $1,280,000 lawsuit against his parents.

- March 9 : Beavis & Butthead debuts on MTV.

- April 7 : I celebrated my fourth birthday.

- June 11 : Jurassic Park debuts in theaters.
- June 23 : Lorena Bobbitt cuts off the penis of John Wayne Bobbitt in Manassas, VA.

- July 19 : President Clinton announces his "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy regarding homosexuals in the military.

- August 28 : Mighty Morpin' Power Rangers debuts on FOX.
- August 30 : The Late Show with David Letterman debuts.

- September 13 : Late Night With Conan O'Brien premieres on NBC.

- November 3 : The Nanny premieres on CBS.
- November 11 : Microsoft releases Windows 3.11.



Yeah, I imagine other stuff happened, but those are the ones that matter. Thank Jebus for Wikipedia.



This is me, moving on with my life. Let's see how that works.





xxx

Sometimes, I feel like I'm getting played like baseball.

xxx

At FIP over the weekend, Larry Zbyszko was there (because he "needed to get out of the house"). I at first didn't recognize him when he walked by me, but when I saw him go outside with a cigarette, I knew it was him. I went up to him a bit later and introduced myself, and we had a full blown conversation. I have always respected him for his work in the business, and to meet him and have him be such a cool guy, my respect for him rose even more. Larry Z. is the man.

Speaking of FIP, Saturday's show was awesome. It was the first one back in quite some time, and seeing everyone was a lot of fun. I love this opportunity I have gotten. The next show should be great as well, and the fact that Ring of Honor is running in Orlando the next weekend makes it even better. Wrestling is good.

I'm expecting a call from Best Buy soon, so I'll find out if I got the job or not. I really need the money.

I think I'm coming down with something. I hope I'm not, but I feel like crap. I think it's gonna be a Nyquil night for me.


xxx
Jake.

Look at you, Percy Bysshe Shelley. Looking all innocent. You aren't. You know you aren't. You're a good writer, but you're not innocent. And I hate writing papers about you. Yeah, I said it. I hate it. I wish I knew how to quit you.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I have a two hour break between classes. So, usually, I do a bit of studying in the car, turn on my NPR, and take a nap. Today, however, they were talking about tuna fish. It wasn't interesting at all, but I was just so intrigued that I couldn't nap. I can't remember a thing that was said about tuna fish, but I can tell you one thing...I was tired in my history class.

Back to Shelley for me. This sucks.


xxx
Jake

It has rained for the majority of the day. I am a fan of the rain, yes. But, I am not a fan of tornado watches/warnings, as I do not own any red shoes that will take me back home in case I get sucked up. This is my rational thinking. Take it or leave it.

I managed to fight the torrential downpour and go to Wal-Mart to buy the new Legacy Of Steve Austin DVD. It's weird that I only mark out for him from his 'Stunning' days to his 'Ringmaster' days. After that, it's 'eh.' Nobody cares, Jake. Nobody cares.

I'm just counting down the days for FIP. I'm getting really antsy. This is the first show since November, and I'm happy that I'm going to be seeing everyone again.

Paco let me borrow his bass, and today I learned how to play 'Smooth Criminal.' Not bad for just playing the bass for a day, right? By next week, I should be tearing the house down. Literally. Bare hands. Bare bass.

Emily pointed out probably the best Personal Ad in this week's Folio Weekly. Here it is, verbatim:

Uncommon Grounds
Me: scruffy, hot Scrabble dork. You: probably not interested. Chatted about movies. Thought you had a nice butt, but sex is overrated (just said butt-butt). Only want you for Scrabble. We'll restrict "scoring" to the game.


Best. Personal Ad. Ever.



xxx
Jake.

I am waiting for this to come in the mail. I am going to have to problem whatsoever playing Japanese video games for my Valentine's Day this year. Who needs a valentine, anyway?

The thing about me is that I say a lot of things that I don't mean. I say things that will rile people up just to add some sort of excitement to my day. Yes, it's a personality flaw, but I kind of like it like that.

I used to care what people thought of me. Now I don't even care what I think of people.

When I was younger, I used to claim a religion and be all about praising God or whoever. It was until recently that I realized that I don't want to praise and worship someone that we all fear so much. So, I kind of gave up on that whole thing. I believe in myself, and I like it that way. Who knows? Maybe things will change. But I enjoy where I am currently at in my life.

I parked next to a man at school today that locked himself out of his car. Instead of offering any assistance, I decided to play some Pokemon, eat my fruit salad, and listen to NPR. I didn't want there to be too many cooks in the kitchen, anyway. He ended up getting in because another guy came to his assistance. I call that 'fate.'

I don't know why I have such a vast knowledge on things that will get me nowhere in life. How many people in this world would actually want to argue about the greatest wrestling gimmick of all time, or if Randy Savage had sex with a 14 year old Stephanie McMahon (in my opinion, The American Males and yes, respectively). I need to hit the books.

Speaking of books, I do enjoy a good read every now and again. That's all I have to say about that.

I have class in the morning and I imagine that I will be suffering through an hour and fifteen minutes of my teacher fumbling her words and not knowing what's going on. So, Chris and I will laugh and make snide jokes to each other like usual. Ah, college. It's the life.

I'm good with sarcasm.

xxx

Jake.

I still have no idea where I'm going, and I honestly have no idea when I'm going to get there. Even when I arrive, I'm not sure if I will realize it. I'm trying to figure out what path to take and what path to block off, but all of them look the same in the long run. They all end in death. Cynical? Maybe, but try and prove me wrong. This isn't a movie. I'm not Superman. If anything, I'm just Jake. What else do you want me to be?

People try so hard to be something they aren't. Have I done it? Of course I have. I went through my 'finding myself' phase which included way too much Hot Topic clothing, but I made it out alive. For better or worse.

I have grown up a lot over the past year. I have realized a lot over the past couple of months. [side note: why does the new Dillinger Escape Plan sound like Nine Inch Nails? Get back to me on that.] Does finding yourself mean that you have to know what you want to do in life? If so, I'm afraid I'm never gonna find myself.

I am too fickle to find anything for that matter.

Sometimes I just type, regardless of whether it makes sense or not. I hate when people say "irregardless." It's not a word, people. For real.


Jake.

"I'm watching you change,
It doesn't have to be this way.
It gets harder everyday,
So you keep numb to feel safe.

Fuck what you know,
Can't you see it's shallow?
Every time you swallow,
Do you get a taste of what you've become?"
- Midtown


I have spent today watching seasons one and two of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and I'm not sure if there has been a more brilliant show since it has blessed the airwaves. Seriously, every episode is so witty and creative that I just want the episodes to become little teddy bears and let me sleep with them. That's how much I love them. I want to sleep with them.

"I'm gonna stab his face off."
See. That's the beauty of this show. For real.

Why did I start the blog off with a song by Midtown? More importantly, a song from Midtown that really doesn't relate to anything in my life? Well, because it's a good song. Is there any special meaning behind it being there? Nope. Not in the least bit.

"Politics is one big ass blast."

...which brings me to voting. I decided not to vote in the Florida primaries because 1) My candidate dropped out [I will miss you, Kucinich], and 2) Even if I did vote, I would have just wrote in "Hulk Hogan." So, either way, my vote is useless. Unless, somehow, Hogan won...which in that case, I'm moving to Canada.

I enjoy my new tattoo quite a bit. I don't care what other people say about it, I love it a lot. It's a good thing, considering I will have it forever. I want to kiss it.

I decided against watching the Super Bowl this year, but now I wish I would have. The last two minutes of the entire game were just so awesome. This game has officially made me a fan of the New York Giants, because they beat the "unbeatable" Patriots. I really don't enjoy the Patriots ever since they played at Bartram. I really don't enjoy Bartram ever since I played there. Does that make sense? Nope.

I guess that is all. I love you.


Jake.

Downright amazed with the queen of hearts,
Living life like the end won't start.
Dodging bullets on the front line,
Clueless all the way.

New Year's Day won't be the same,
With everything I know.
Deceited stories, deceited brains,
Facing me, toe to toe.

This isn't a movie, Jake.
No credits to be seen.
Instead, it's me asking myself,
"What did it all mean?"




"A jaded, bitter man stands. And if the world is ending, we toast to it."

Four days after ranting on the WWE death angle, Chris Benoit, his wife, and his son has passed away.

I hope this shows you something, Vince McMahon.

At leas you did the right thing by showing up tonight on RAW and completely dropping the storyline.


Thank you, Chris Benoit. You have been a major influence to me and you are one of the reasons why I'd like to become a professional wrestler. Thank you for everything in NJPW, everything in ECW, everything in WCW, and everything in the WWE. I will never forget meeting you and Nancy when I was a ringboy at a show in 1999, and how great you were to me.

Thank you, Chris. RIP.



Love,
Jake.

I've had so much stuff on my mind recently, but I haven't had the time to actually sit here and type what I feel. Blame it on writer's block, or the fact that I'm finally sick of being in front of the computer screen, but in the end, the blame goes right back onto me.

My friends in Countermind came here recently and stayed, and I honestly had a lot of fun. It was the first time meeting Pat and Ryan, but they were both really cool guys. Then, of course, you have people like Matt, Ricky, and Nate, who I've known for a long time, and Shannon, who has been like a brother to me since 9th grade. It was great to finally have a group of people that I could sit and talk to and relate to; I don't feel like I've had that since moving. We had a conversation about how "hardcore" music's record labels are starting to sell better than punk labels, and we had Mario Kart races on our DS. Small things like that really make me miss being home. I miss being surrounded by people, I guess.

The only people I really hang out with from my original group of friends here are Caity, Trish, Liz, and Austin. Caity's going to Tallahassee, Liz is moving to Ohio, and Austin might be moving to California. Even if he doesn't, it's not like I see him a lot, anyway. Trish is staying here, but she has a boyfriend, and even though I love Nate, I hate playing third wheel. Everyone else in that group has either moved away, distanced themselves, or gotten into drugs. It's funny to look at people that I considered to be my best friends and see how they screwed up their lives. Ever get the feeling that people really don't want to be helped, afterall?

School isn't something that interests me anymore. I was so excited to get out of high school and start my path to greatness, but now I'm just feeling more and more worthless to myself and my family. I'm going to be someone someday, I promise. I don't think it's in me to just sit around and let life pass me by. Though it may seem like I'm doing this now, everyday I think about ways to get my name out there or try to make connections, which is why I talk to people at work, or why I e-mail bands or professional wrestlers, blah blah blah. I'm not afraid to talk to someone, no matter how I lead on.

Speaking of professional wrestling, WWE is stupid. Hey, let's pretend that we killed Vince McMahon, and make a mockary of it on television! We can make millions! People wonder why I talk so much crap about WWE; now you know.

I need to get a new job so I can get money. I really want a new tattoo, so either I need money or I need to become friends with a tattoo artist. I'll take either at this point.




I am tired of feeling worthless.



Love.
Jake.

Night swimming deserves a quiet night.

Night swimming deserves a quiet night.

Why bother?

The Art Of The Haiku, by Jake.


Life is a buzz-kill,
Death just can't make up its mind.
We just continue.

The world is a stage.
That means I'm afraid of it.
Someone hold my mic.

War's understated.
T.V. shows what it wants to.
The people are bored.

I am a closed book.
My pages are all dog-eared.
Someone was once here.

So, I'm watching the final episode of The O.C., and I am really going to miss knowing that there is always going to be something to watch on Thursday nights. I'll never forget having everyone over at my house for the season two finale, and moving all of the couches and chairs out of the way and putting down blankets and pillows instead. Here's to DVD boxed sets of season one and two that will always keep me at bay. Cheers, O.C. You'll be missed, you unrealistic waste of hours of my life.

WARNING: WRESTLING TALK.

First off, Morishima winning the title in ROH doesn't do much for me. He lost a match on Friday, but was still able to challenge for the title on Saturday? Whose booking idea was that? Yeah, I know: it's great for international exposure. But, they also lead up for years about how Homicide has never held the world title, blah blah blah. They give him the belt for a month and a half, and he drops it? Not cool in my book. Not cool at all.

Also, anyone see CM Punk hit a Go2Sleep on Nitro on the last episode of ECW? What's up with that? I mean, it looked good, but he's no KENTA. I'd enjoy that match, though.

WARNING OVER. WE MAY NOW RESUME.

Man, I've always liked Summer Roberts. Anna was my girl, but Miss Roberts is where it's at. That darn Adam Brody was probably able to see her naked, too. I haven't seen her naked. Something is wrong with this picture, and it's the lack of nudity.

Battle of the Bands is tomorrow, and it'll be my third one in a row. There's something nostalgic about the anxiety and anticipation that revolves around it, and I'm just reminded of my sophomore year. While it may not be my finest year, it made me learn a lot. Knowledge is power.

In closing, I want to say that The O.C. has done a lot for me over the years, as it has given me a waste of a Christmas break in 2004, and a drama to get sucked into. It was the Beverly Hills 90210 of my generation, and for that, I will be forever grateful.

From me to all of you, goodnight, and good luck, O.C. You will be missed.


Jake.

All of my best friends have left me in one way or another. Either:
a) I have moved away from them [my fault]
b) they have become drug addicts or alcoholics [not my fault]
c) they have other best friends that are "bester" than me [undecided on fault]

I realize that I can be boring, but I don't think I'm that dull at all. Just because I don't drink or smoke or party doesn't mean I don't want to have fun. I'm lonely without being alone.



Jake.

If I am remembered for anything in life, I want to be remembered as someone who just didn't care what others thought of him. I want to be admired for not changing to be what people want me to be. I don't care who you are, I won't change my ways to impress and satisfy yours. No, thanks. Also, I want to be admired for always protecting my friends when needing it, and always being there for whatever they need. I want them to always know that I care, even when I don't act like it. If I ever say, "Be safe," when you leave my house or my general region, know that means something.

If Nas is right, and hip hop really is dead, then I hope that punk rock starts making more political stuff again. Without good hip hop, I don't have much else. My iPod has only been playing Nas, Atmosphere, Sage Francis, Public Enemy, Ludacris, The Roots, Aesop Rock, and Run DMC lately, on the hip hop front. On the other side, I've been listening to Northstar (Is This Thing Loaded?), Morrissey (Bona Drag) and Black Flag (Damaged). I remember when I got Is This Thing Loaded? my freshman year with Ben. We went to Best Buy, and I had only heard one Northstar song at that time, so I took a chance and got it. I show no regrets.

Cyrus from The Real World came into Hot Topic today. I love when reality television stars think that they are celebrities. The only Real World cast member that is worth anything is Puck, and that's because he was obnoxious. I always liked Puck.

If I ever do become a professional wrestler, I want to wrestle in Japan. I have been watching the New Japan Pro Wrestling/All Japan Pro Wrestling 35th anniversary show, and their style and panache is incredible. They do everything with such ease and grace, making professional wrestling such an art-form. It really is a lot like dancing, in many ways. It's all about timing and footwork.

I am going to finally go to bed, now. Heather C. (last name withheld) told me today that it wasn't worth her going to bed because she can never sleep, anyway. She has the right idea.


Goodnight.

-Jake.