You can't go home again, and it sometimes even seems like visiting is hard. Though I moved away eight years ago, I always felt as if nothing had changed. Going back today for the first time in 4.5 years, I had high hopes of seeing people. Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed those I got to see, but after an hour or two, I found myself driving back to Boca.

It was probably due to a mixture of most people going to college away from home, or the fact that I couldn't remember where most people lived. But it was definitely an experience I could've gone without.

But, on the brightside, I got matching track suits with Andy and Mark.

Remember the time I...
Ah, what's the use in bringing up the past?
That script has already been in production,
And the characters have all been cast.

But I keep going back to it,
Like a fly to a light.
But unlike that naïve bug,
I won't go down without a fight.

Call me stubborn, call me crazy,
I'm just waiting for your call.
I'm not wasting a stereo outside your window,
As I'm almost appreciating this lull.

A sheet of silence in my room,
Yet no sheets on the bed.
Everything is too afraid to make a peep,
As they want nothing more than to stay out of my head.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of YOU. I'm jealous that YOU have friends that won't abandon YOU or forget about YOU after a while. I'm jealous that YOU don't lay in bed, feeling like someone is sitting on YOUR chest. I'm jealous that YOU don't have to drive 350 miles to try and forget YOUR mind. I'm jealous that YOU can handle YOURSELF. I'm jealous that YOU got away from this town.

I'm jealous because I didn't follow.

"I...I just don't understand," said the boy who believed he was a man. "How can my peers fit in when I can't even walk a block without feeling like I don't belong? What do they have that I don't?"

"Young boy, haven't you learned?" asked the old man. "This world is as false as the night is dark. The world is a stage, and we are nothing more than actors. The only true fact in this hellish life is that nothing ever is."



Forget what you know.

L-O-V-E
L-I-F-E
Here lies Jake,
Finally free.




Just spent too much money going to get an AA that I don't want. I love it.

Happy New Year to all. I enjoyed my 2008, so I have high hopes for the upcoming.

Thank you to everyone I have met this year and have gotten close to, whether it be my wrestling family, or anyone else.

Thank you to everyone involved in some way or another in the shaping of my life in 2008.

Thank you to those that gave my photography a chance, and put me over to others.

Thank you to everyone that let me crash at their place.

Thank you to the people that have driven with me to the shows this year, as I've had some great memories.

Thank you to everyone at work, because I don't know how I could've gotten through some stuff without you. You guys are like my family.

Thank you to my family to putting up with me never being home.

Thank you to my car for being a trooper.

Thank you to my laptop for housing a lot of photographs from many wrestling matches in 2008.



Stay tuned. It only goes up from here.



xxx.

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Boardman, Ohio. I spent like fourteen or fifteen hours in a vehicle today driving from Jacksonville to here, and I definitely wasn't used to it. I can do five hours fine, as most people can, but I haven't been in a car for longer than that in quite some time. I got to sleep quite a bit, which I was into, but just sitting back there was just rough. But, I'm here.

Ohio is probably my favorite place I've ever been to. I'm a big fan of being with family, and since I never really got to be with them when I was growing up, I really love coming to visit them now. I don't really know how to put it in words I guess.

We don't really like doing family picnic for different reasons, but the last one we had with everyone was just a lot of fun. I believe I was seven or eight, but I can still remember it like it was yesterday. It was just pure bliss for me. I feel like such a loser saying that, but it's very true.

Tomorrow is time with my mother's family, and then UFC with Doug and John. After that is fair game.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas or holiday or whatever. I was gonna post about my favorite Christmas (1997, if you were wondering), and how I got an N64 and that first WCW game for it, and it was so great. I'm not sure if one will be better than that, but we all have to grow up sometime.

I need to move into some cold weather, and hope for a White Christmas. Haven't had one of those in a while.



xxx.

"If we had known what we know now, one year later, we'd still be around."
- "One Year Later," The Get Up Kids.


Why did I start this post out with a lyric? I'm not entirely sure. I was listening to the actual song, and he just keeps repeating it. I thought it seemed right, so I went with it. We'll see what happens.

I've been really busy lately with work and wrestling. Last weekend's FIP events were fun, but I didn't get to sleep much. I stayed up way too late editing pictures, and then woke up earlier than I had wanted. Granted, I still woke up at around 11am, but still...I'd rather sleep more than less.

Christmas is officially tomorrow, and I'm not very prepared. I think I have all of the gifts I needed to buy, but I still feel like I'm missing something. I'm just stressed. After Christmas, I will be in Ohio until the following Tuesday, and then it's back to the daily grind. This Ohio trip means a lot to me, because it'll be the first time in three years that I've actually been out of the state. Saying that back sounds kind of ridiculous to me, but it's completely true.

I'm a big fan of Ohio because I'm a big fan of having my entire family together. I never got to experience that growing up, and I wish I could've. There's a lot of heat within both sides of my family, but a lot of it seems to have been squashed. I always hated watching television shows where grandparents would come and visit the kids, and bring them gifts and words of wisdom, because I never had that. I have a grandmother that lived with us, and while I love her to death, she's just crazy. Other than that, I can't say I have grandparents, even though 3/4 of them are alive. It's kind of sad.

I'm just kind of lonely. 'Tis the season.




xxx.

So Andy tagged me in something on Twitter where I have to say seven things that people may not know about me. I believe that is the premise. So, here we go.


I'm a professional wrestling photographer that isn't super into photography. I used to love photography, but I'm kind of bored with it. I know there's still so much more to learn, and there's so much more to do, but it's not where I want to be. For now, I'm fine with it, but someday I will be famous.

I love professional wrestling. I know a lot of people know it, but I like mentioning it. I don't remember the first time I watched it, but my dad said I'd get upset if he changed it when I was a baby. I went to my first live event when I was two, and though I don't remember the location, I remember knowing all of the wrestlers there. I can't tell you why I'm attached to it, but I can tell you that I'm glad I am. I've met too many great people.

I have two tattoos, and both are music related. My first tattoo I got a few days after I turned 18, and it's the sheep from Minor Threat's "Out of Step" album. I've always felt like the black sheep because I moved around so much, and I never got to share the same memories that my friends did. I just don't feel like I'm with the pack, so to speak. The other is a logo from a Lifetime t-shirt of a boy looking at the stars. I'm following my dreams and focusing on the unknown of the future. But, I am still trying to maintain being a child at heart.

I constantly see double vision. I've had two eye surgeries, and I guess it never got fixed. I used to lie about it and say that I didn't see double, but now it is to the point where doctors can't fix me. So I'm stuck with my double vision.

I lived down the street from the Pentagon on September 11, 2001. When I say "down the street," I mean we could see it from the balcony of the condo we were staying in. I hope to never forget laying in bed that night, listening to DC101 playing Blink 182's "Stay Together For The Kids," and smelling the smoke. It really impacted me. I'm lucky in the fact that I didn't lose anybody I personally knew, but I still feel for those that did. Washington, DC was a ghost town that week.

I am only going to college to appease my family. I feel as though I'm not gaining any sort of education, and it all just seems pointless to me. I'm getting my AA and I guess we will see what happens from there. Nothing I want to do involves a college degree, but I guess I could use it as a fall back.

I'm not sure of my religious beliefs. I feel as though it is kind of crazy to think that there is an invisible man in the sky. I also don't think that the population should be afraid of this God, or any god for that matter. I was listening to This American Life the other day, andit had a story about a preacher that started to disbelieve what he was preaching. He said that Jesus was worst than Hitler, because Jesus has apparently sent billions of people to hell, and that's for eternity. I just listen to everyone and take it in. I believe in myself.



There you have it.


xxx.

So if you're reading this and you're a friend of mine, you should already know that I'm a HUGE mark for The O.C. I decided to check Youtube for some clips tonight (because I'm too lazy to bust out the DVDs), and I decided to watch the ending scene of season one, where it shows Seth setting sail, Ryan driving away, and everyone separating, while "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley played in the backround.

What does this have to do with me? Nothing. It has to do with Summer 2005.

That summer changed my outlook on life.

I hate to dwell on the past, but those couple of months were just crazy. Every day was something new. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Chicanery. Tom Foolery. Late nights. Early mornings.

That summer was the closest I had ever felt to my friends. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I wasn't alone. I felt as though my friends actually got me, as opposed to pretending and nodding their heads. I had the Tripod. I had the Dodeca Daters. I had countless soundtracks (including "Hallelujah"). I had fun.

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Due to the actions at a party I apparently dipped out of way too early, the group disbanded. Sure, there were countless reincarnations of it, but nothing could ever compare.

Nothing will ever come close.

I lived my own O.C., and I'm still here to tell about it. What about you?



xxx.

I got some old Juliana Theory, M.O.P., and the old Dashboard EPs today. I was reading an old issue of Alternative Press with Juliana Theory, and it got me thinking about how I loved them live, so I decided to revisit.

I have my last final at 10am tomorrow, and I'm not entirely ready for it. Shocker, right? Oh well. I get what I earn.

We had a holiday party at work today, and it was a lot of fun. I got there at 9am and started decorating, and after the festivities and whatnot, I didn't even start working until 1pm. It was sweet.

My cough isn't getting any better. It is just hurting more and more.

The trackball on my Blackberry keeps getting stuck. Damn my sweaty hands. I'm so gross.



xxx.

I've been really sick lately. I guess it makes sense...I have class Monday thru Thursday mornings, work 2pm-10:30pm Monday thru Thursday, and then wrestling Friday-Sunday. I don't have any time to rest anymore, so I took today off from work. This is kind of a big deal for me, as, though I have left work early due to sickness, I haven't actually missed a day of work since about May. I used to have a major problem with wanting to skip work, and actually skipped work more than I should. But, ever since I started at Bank of America in March, I really haven't wanted to. I enjoy the people I work with, as well as the work that I do. It doesn't make sense to me, I guess.

I was in Boca Raton, FL over the weekend staying with my friends the Vitales, as well as Mark and Shain, and of course JD drove down with me. I always have fun when I go down there, and even though Amy and I were basically dying, I had a blast. The show on night one wasn't too great, but hearing the commentary from the boys and getting to hang out with Andy at ringside made the night for me. I apologize to everyone I was with that night, because, due to my age, we were kicked out of the bar area. But, I got to sit down and talk to my friends, and I really enjoyed it.

Second day, we had Fusion down in Boynton, and it was a lot of fun. This company is really going to be blowing up soon, and everyone in Florida needs to pay attention. Had a good time at the Duffy's afterparty, getting to talk to my homie Chris Jones, and the rest of the south Florida guys.

I sometimes feel like such a loser for doing what I do, but I love it. I'm still chasing my dream of making money in this business, and, with this schedule, I might die trying, haha.


I'm all jumbled. I have a final in the morning. Love you.




xxx.

Me?

I was a maverick before the term was trendy.

Cold winter nights in Florida are warm winter nights in Maryland. Fact.

On Halloween, it had been seven years since I moved into my house in Chesapeake Beach. I can remember that day perfectly, from Gunston Middle's Halloween dance to riding my skateboard around Bayview Hills. I guess it's weird for me to think about.

I've been fabing phone calls a lot lately, and I apologize to everyone I did that too. I get in these moods where talking to people just isn't a main priority.

I'm laying in bed after watching episode upon episode of 30 Rock with Em, Stephanie, and Ian, and I'm anticipating the next months to come. I'm booked up every weekend until Christmas; how cool is that? I'm getting to travel around and get paid to be in the business I love. I'm not gonna stop until I'm at the top, though.

It's hard to fall in love, and easy to fall out.
Credits roll, fade to black, the audience screams and shouts.
And when you find that spot of time to look back at what you lost,
I hope to god you're surprised to find it was worth more than it cost.




xxx.

Yes, I haven't updated since September 8th, Danielle. I'm sorry.

I have gone on here and written on my phone, but I always end up deleting it. I usually write when I am laying in bed at Mark's house, and I am usually there once a week. But, for whatever reason, I always end up pressing "Clear field" and shutting off my phone.

I got in a car accident today. Every car accident I've been in (knock on wood) has been caused by somebody else's wreckless driving. This time, a woman hit another woman who in turned hit me. I guess that's what I get for sitting still in traffic like everybody else was. I got off of work early because I wasn't feeling well, and getting in that accident didn't make me feel much better. But, it was nice outside, so at least I got to enjoy that, right?

...right?



xxx.

Oh man, how good is this album? I've been listening to it on repeat for the past couple of days. I heard about them through AP Magazine, and then heard some of their stuff on NPR the other day. This is the first band in a long time that I haven't found by myself or through a friend. Let's see if this band is just a phase or not, but I can tell you that I have listened to this album in my car three times today (I drive a lot. Big deal. Wanna fight about it?), and am listening to it right now before I go to sleep.


"Everybody leaves, and I'd expect as much from you."


My sister's 21st birthday was on Saturday, and it was fun. I still look at her as that nine year old that I used to play with, though. Getting older isn't worth it. Let's just pause the world for a bit and remain this way.


Classes began two weeks ago, and so far so good, methinks. Nothing too major, nobody too major. Just classes, bro. Just classes.


This coming weekend I believe will be a trip to Tallahassee, and then the week after that is I Believe in Wrestling down in Orlando. I'm really excited for the 26th and 27th, though, because the Jeff Peterson Cup 2008 will be taking place. This is my first time working the Peterson Cup, or even attending, and I couldn't be happier. It is for a great cause, and even though I know nobody reads this blog, I'd like to just promote it a bit.



I need to go to bed.







xxx.

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I have to be up for work in three hours and I'm still awake. I'm punk rock.



xxx

It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.

I have been really busy as of late, and I'm not sure if it is going to end anytime soon. At least I don't feel like I am wasting my life anymore. Not as much, at least.

Even though my Snoopy pajama pants have Christmas trees on them, I don't feel like they are only a seasonal thing.

A lot of people hate their jobs, but I really love mine. I work with friends. Actually, they are more like family. I see them more than I see my parents, you know?

I am going to start dressing not-as-sleazy. I am getting to be too old to look like trash.

I want to get the old band back together, and I hope it works. I miss having that camaraderie.



xxx.

I am still chasing my dreams, and at this point, I will be fine without fully catching them.

This is a big family, and I'd like to believe we are all in this together. Of course, though, we aren't, but always being cynical is bad for my aura.

I am laying in bed at the Jaison Moore compound with JD snoring like a bear across the room.I have been up for almost a full day.

I am sorry if I have been distant; I was starting to lose track of who I am. But here I am, baby. Take it or leave it.

I hope you take it.





xxx.

Rest in peace, Tim Russert. I always enjoyed your work, and thought you had a great sense of humor. You will be sorely missed.

Rest in peace, Camu Tao. Seeing you live changed my life completely. It opened me up to an entire new world of hip-hop. Though I saw you well over two years ago, that show was one of the best shows I have ever been to in my entire life.

Thanks, Camu. I'm at a loss for words. Represent WM up there, man.

xxx.